The Tab’s Guide To Getting An Internship

Since the day I was born I’ve dreamt of being a management consultant.

My mother actually said that my first words were ‘risk management’ and my 8^th birthday party was sponsored by Ernst & Young.

If, like me, you long to live and breathe the arousing world of efficiency maximisation and risk minimisation, then use this handy guide to bag the perfect internship this summer.

This could be your life!

1.      Pimp your CV

I owe my place at uni to my Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award. Some people argue that you’ve got to impress academically in your application, but my outstanding ability to read an OS map and sit in the pouring rain for a week in a tent in Scotland is what really dazzled my tutors.

The same goes for getting a job. Don’t worry about getting a First or helping orphans in Zimbabwe to express their views on their government’s inflationary policies; it’s all about packing your CV with summers of work experience in an office in Basingstoke which will really show employers how much the words ‘teamwork’, ‘leadership’ and ’smug self-importance’ mean to you.

And you should probably mention in your cover letter that you’re ‘an intellectual heavyweight’ who is ‘years ahead of your time’.

2.      Nail the networking

Love the industry – you will get found out in your interview if you don’t have a genuine interest, (why would you need to feign interest in Global Pensions Tax Advisory Projects?) You must remember: who you know is who you are.

Universities have a lot of free drinks events for various societies such as law, accounting and finance, and these are perfect opportunities to meet leaders in industries and say “I like free booze and I am turned on by human resource management. Employ me?”

Quite rightly the students who get employed are those who have spent the most evenings small-talking about the ‘prospects of the industry’ and how exciting the firm representative’s tie is.

Your future happiness

3.      Have a 5-year plan

You have to know where you’re going to be in 2018. For me the answer is hopefully Auditing and Pricing Co-ordinator at KPMG (don’t laugh – a man can dream).

When asked ‘where are you going with this career?’ you will always sound professional when you deploy the phrase a ‘sideways move’. For example, a sideways move into Law, a sideways move into Equity Management, a sideways move into depression.

Above all, do not forget to tell them in detail about why it is this life that you want to lead: to work in an office every day exercising my Microsoft Excel productivity before going for post-work drinks at West London pubs with the Clapham rugby heroes.

To feel the energy of the commute from Richmond to Canary Wharf.

To be part of the Linked-In illuminati.

To be the spreadsheet.