The McGangbang and the Butterbeer Frappuccino: The Tab tries secret menus
I took some of McDonald’s and Starbucks’ best secret menu items and gave them a go (and made up my own for a greasy chicken shop)
Ryan BarrellEveryone’s heard about the “secret menus” that are supposedly on the hush-hush at our favourite fast food joints.
But do they really exist? And are they any good?
I took a selection of the best looking secret menu items on the internet and tried ordering them in person.
McDonald’s – McGangBang
Carbs n’ meats
The result is an oddly enthralling mix of meaty flavours, weakening your wallet by a measly £2.48.
The cheese and the mayo mix in your mouth to create an excellent creaminess that bonds the chicken and beef together in beautiful greasy glory.
Big mouth required
I had to ask for the two items and put them together myself, but some net-savvy McDonald’s staff might know what you’re talking about if you ask.
Starbucks – Butterbeer Frappuccino
*Picture may be slightly photoshopped
Straight out of Harry Potter, this inventive concoction will make the faux-cozy interior of the coffee chain feel more like the Three Broomsticks Inn.
Starbucks’ “secret menu” doesn’t actually exist. It’s more of a collaboration by imaginative coffee enthusiasts to make the best of the many ingredients available at your local tax-dodging superchain.
There are endless recipes available on the internet, and this sugary Rowling inspired frappé is easily one of the best.
If the Hogwarts kids drank this everyday, none of them would have any teeth left
All you need to do is pop in and give the barista rigorous instruction, and you’ll get a delicious, buttery, diabetic nightmare for £4.15.
Starbucks – Liquid Cocaine
Ditch the powders and grab a coffee
Try this at your own risk.
It’s four shots of espresso and two shots of white chocolate syrup, in a grande cup, filled with ice, and topped with milk.
Not exactly refreshing
It practically shoots straight to your veins, probably sending you over the drink-drive limit of sugar and caffeine.
It’s not particularly nice, but bloody hell it gets the job done.
And at £2.45, it’s much cheaper than actual cocaine.
McDonald’s – Big McChicken
It took a lot of work to build
It’s like a Big Mac, but there’s fried chicken instead of burger buns.
It may as well be called the Big McFucking Heart Attack.
Felt the need to prove that I actually ate it
As I sat down to construct this meaty monster, I wondered how I had ended up like this, covered in special sauce, about to eat something that looked completely unappetising, with four-and-a-half blank buns in front of me.
Who needs carbs anyway?
But it was much better than I expected.
The crunchiness of the breaded chicken went perfectly with the unique flavour of the Big Mac sauce, and that McDonald’s burger flavour somehow tied it all together.
The lettuce is a godsend in this lump of processed meat
At £5.68, this is one of the more expensive secret options. It’s probably not worth that much, but if you’re the kind of person who likes a Maccy’s after the gym, it’s perfect. But greasy.
Starbucks – Green Eye
I haven’t slept for six days!
Perfect for hitting the library all night, but it is TERRIFYING.
Get yourself a filter coffee, and have three extra shots of espresso in there. Warning: it will taste horrendous.
Darker than the devil’s butthole
It’s a turbo-charged, heart-pumping motherfucker, and it’s only £2.60.
Great value, and a bit dangerous. What more could you want?
McDonald’s – Pie McFlurry
The pie crust goes all hard and crunchy and full of cream
The recipes on the internet suggest that you order a plain McFlurry and get them to blend an Apple Pie into it. When I asked for Pie McFlurry in my local Maccy’s, they had no idea what I was talking about, and even refused to blend the items together.
So, I bought a plain McFlurry and an Apple Pie separately, doing all the work myself.
And it was fucking WONDERFUL.
McDONALD’S, WHY DO YOU NOT DO THIS??
Chicken Cottage – Fried Fireball Chicken Cheese Melt
So crunchy
OK, so I made this up. But if you can’t create your own secret options for your favourite eateries then what kind of gourmand are you?
It’s Chicky-C’s very own Flame burger, with jalapeño poppers squashed into it.
Just lumps of batter
It was a spicy kick in the face, with a bit of cheese and lettuce to relinquish some of the pain.
Not particularly appetising while sober, but it’ll certainly put you right when you’re smashed.
Chicken Cottage – Cottage Poutine
Poutine is a delicacy from Canada consisting of french fries, cheese curds, and gravy.
What poutine is supposed to look like
I tried to recreate this with items from The Cottage’s menu, and it was awful.
My local Cottage didn’t offer anything except chips and chicken. On the entire menu.
So, to make Cottage Poutine, I pulled the batter from some chicken pieces and drizzled them over the fries.
What my Cottage Poutine looked like
I then took the chicken and squeezed the grease from it to replace the gravy.
The result is a slimey heap of bland flavour, with a side of heartburn.
This is my ‘why the fuck did I do this?’ face
Not a recommended option.
Can you order a Big McChicken or a Liquid Cocaine by name? No. But are they incredibly tasty and worth the hassle of ordering? Absolutely.