This guy from UCL has single-handedly invigorated the UK rap scene

Does anyone have the number for The Hague? Wannabe rapper Cristian MJC has committed a crime against humanity with what could loosely be described as a song. 

The UCL fresher talks like somebody trying to sell you bad ket outside an Ibiza nightclub.

He probably thinks Dapper Laughs is a good lad. He maxed out his loan in Urban Outfitters.

And he’s wearing an orange gilet.

The video for “Take it Back”, set to become a club banger approximately never, looks like a provincial teenage girl’s idea of London…and starts with him harassing a woman walking down an empty Shoreditch street.

Asking a stranger for their number! Legend!

What follows is a barely coherent kaleidoscope of a club rep’s London – fuelled by a Zones 1-2 Travelcard and a record label with too much time and a dangerous lack of taste.

With the easy charm of a coked-up lower-league footballer, Christian MJC lays down some chunky beats and gets to the bottom of what it really means to love and be loved.

The video cuts between a classic boy-creeps-on-girl narrative in Shoreditch and a bit of karaoke at Canary Wharf.

It has everything we all aspired to circa 2004 – bad rapping, bad haircuts, and inexcusably bad CGI.

The video also features Lemar lookalike and professional nobody Doctor…who, unfortunately, couldn’t squeeze any life out of this petty crime of a song.

MJC nails the classic soap opera repertoire of mannerisms – angry pouting, wistful staring – and his spasmodic hand movements make him look like Tony Blair after a couple of pingers.

His mute female companion’s role in the video is limited to breathing and smiling in cameos that show us how much of a fucking lad he is.