Absolutely nobody cares you’re deleting your Facebook account

You will probably come across the “I’m deleting my account” status a few times a year, and when your workload becomes close to unbearable you may well have considered doing the same yourself. 

Here’s some advice: don’t.

It won’t even remotely affect your life and not one of your “friends” will come close to missing you.

Picture the moment, you’ve gone and done it:

An example

What a moment. What a display of strength. What a noble sacrifice in the name of revision and fulfilling your academic potential. Wrong.

Let me translate that for you:

“Hi guys. Just to let you know I am going to take a course of action that isn’t anywhere near bold, courageous or significant enough to warrant public declaration and delete my Facebook account.

“If you need to contact me, which I imagine will only apply to two per cent of my existing friends list, just do so via text, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Whatsapp, email or why not even my landline?

“Basically, I am going to be just as contactable as I always was, and to be honest you’ve got a greater chance of a speedy reply as I will be anxious to catch up on the heaps of interaction I am missing out on from temporarily leaving Facebook.

“See you soon (I am going absolutely nowhere).”

Will anyone miss me if I delete this? No

Leaving Facebook isn’t going to distance you from the many distractions of the modern world. You will merely become even more dependent on alternative means of avoiding work.

You’ll send more Snapchats (and give more time to those outrageously long stories), listen closer for the sound of your phone vibrating, and publish more classic, generic revision-based tweets than ever – just to fill the void left by your brief divorce from Zuckerberg.

Even if, by some suspension of natural law, deleting your Facebook account dramatically alters your lifestyle and you become a champion of revision, will anyone really care?

Send to entire contacts list

What sort of idiot deletes their Facebook?

You’re no longer on Facebook? Holy shit. How will I be able to find out what you’ve starred on Spotify? Where else will I be able to see pictures of your 578th night in the club everyone in the world goes to? Where else will I be able to watch the mildly-humorous vines you so often and generously like?

Don’t kid yourself.

Facebook is wasteland. It is an exhausted network that is nowadays nothing more than a solice for the incredibly bored and incredibly distracted. There is no affection, there is no sentiment.

Leave, don’t leave. Absolutely nobody will care and the chances are pretty much nobody will notice.