Things that couples do that make single people want to scream

So here you are, being single. “On the hunt”. Unless you aren’t, which actually, often, you aren’t. You like your own company.

However, you do not always like the company of couples. In fact, sometimes, the company of couples can make you feel really, deeply uncomfortable.

You have been talking to a boy for longer than three minutes and the couple – who you can see out of the corner of your eye, because they have positioned themselves there so they can better observe the interaction  – is literally bouncing off the walls

My life is full of interactions. On the other hand, I do not want to shag everyone I speak to. Just because I have been speaking to someone for longer than three minutes does not mean I’m going to, or am trying to, ‘pull’.

Sometimes I speak to your boyfriend for more than three minutes at a time and I certainly don’t want to shag him.

Rush over after the interaction is over to grill you, eyebrows raised, nudging you, doing a really good impression of my mum when she is taking the piss out of Mrs Bennett from Pride and Prejudice 

On the other hand, if I were trying to pull – which sometimes I am – then you have really salted my game by coming over and (sometimes literally) jumping up and down.

Say “this one”  

As opposed to “that one”?

Say “the boy”

As opposed to “a boy”?

I had to buy this rose for myself

Bring their other half to  have a pint 

Sure, I like your girlfriend/boyfriend. But I arranged to have a pint with you because I’m upset about something, or I want to vent about something, or just wanted to speak to you – because you’re my friend. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is someone I know because they are going out with my friend. I don’t want to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend about the “big” evening that has actually made me really sad, because then I’ll have to pretend that I’m the fun-loving, two-dimensional single stereotype I’m meant to be.

This always goes one of two ways: I will tell you my story in front of them and they will say a platitude which will make me feel worse (girls will say something sisterly, something about solidarity – which doesn’t work because YOU ARE LITERALLY GOING OUT WITH MY FRIEND SO YOU AREN’T SINGLE).

Or, I won’t tell you in front of them and then we’ll all have a really chummy drink and I’ll sit there wishing I was talking about the thing that’s making me feel really sad and lost.

At some point soon, you’ll text. “We haven’t caught up in ages! I miss you!” And I’ll think: this is why.

Arrange to meet their other half insultingly quickly after we have met 

Sure, you’ve managed not to bring bae along to our pint – and I appreciate that. But you have arranged to meet them afterwards, and the allotted time with me is almost up. You are checking your phone; you aren’t really listening; I have lost you. I love being a stop-gap for your better plan.

I  a c t u a l l y  l i k e  b e i n g  s i n g l e

‘Play’ on my Tinder

If it’s “soooooo fun!” why don’t you break up with your boyfriend and stop swiping right on people I obviously wouldn’t fancy. He uses exclamation marks.

PDA

I’m on the sofa too, and you can’t smoke me out by snogging. In fact, this will just entrench me further. I’m really stubborn. It’s probably one of the reasons I’m single.

Do A Face

You’re telling them about how you think dates are really tedious. You’re telling them you don’t really want to spend an evening with someone you don’t know, having a drink, when you could be at home with your housemates, or getting drunk with someone you do like, or watching re-runs of The Office US, or just going to bed, alone. You are telling them you can’t really imagine spending all your time with just one person – which you accept is a bit of a dig at them, but is also quite – genuinely – true.

The couple is doing A Face. A Face that suggests you haven’t yet learned some huge, universal truth that they have worked out. That you won’t feel this way forever and all it takes is for you to meet “the right person”.

I have been in a relationship before. I know that it is possible to meet someone who you like spending a lot of time with.

Leaving the night out early

They leave together, before midnight. Thing is, though: they’ve been going out for years now. They’re not even going back to have sex.

Or one of them leaves to get an Uber back to the other’s house to probably not even have sex. Bye friend(ship).

Treating going out like it’s only for single people

Going out is drinking and dancing. Going out is fun. Going out is spending time with your friends. What about that do you think is only for single people?

Yeah, they’re both for me

They have really strong opinions about the people you do get with

Whoever he is, they will tell you he is “fucking you around”. They will tell you “you can do better”. They will ask, “but can you actually see yourself going out with him? Like, sitting together on a Saturday evening watching television?”

This is like when your parents ban you from doing something you’ve never considered doing (Mum, I never considered shoplifting until you said it was bad and then I developed quite a serious “phase”). IT MAKES YOU WANT TO DO IT MORE.

Making me really cross and resentful when you’re actually just being my lovely mates and looking out for me 

I just hate people who care about me. This is probably why I’m single.

Fuck’s sake, stop making me feel emotional. And you guys are so fucking good together! No I’m not just saying it coz I’m drunk! You arrreeee! Etcetera.