The reasons why prosecco is the greatest drink in the entire universe

Let’s face it: life is work then Netflix then sleep and then at some point you die. It’s a bleak, brutal, frustrating thing to watch other people do, let alone actively participate in yourself. But amidst the bullshit and standing all the way from Balham to Old Street tube journeys, there is a bubbly, bubbly stream of hope: Prosecco.

This is why it isn’t just the greatest drink you buy from Tesco Express, this is why it’s the greatest drink in the entire universe.

None of those bottles have champagne in them

It is perfect for every occasion

What was the tipping point with prosecco? Like sweet potato, avocado and Kygo it has become an integral, unalterable staple of our daily existence. It never used to be. Then it was. Thank God it is. I don’t think I’m overdoing this, but wherever I go, whatever time it is, people are cracking open bottles of fizzy. Birthday parties, office parties, house parties, new year’s eve parties, christening parties, party parties, events which are probably not parties: erryone is getting smashed on proseccy.

It is basically free

Lol at the people still buying champagne: lol at you guys spending all your money over there on champagne, what are you thinking, what are you doing with yourselves. Unlike champers, where the second fermentation takes place inside the bottle, fizzy is made in big steel tanks, long story short it ensures that prosecco is not expensive. You can get a nice bottle of it for a under a tenner. And that means you’ll get two bottles doesn’t it? Two bottles, twice as drunk, twice the fun. Leave the Veuve Clicquot on the shelf. I like champs, obviously, but I’m not a baller, I don’t work for Goldman Sachs. Hence the fizzy.

Hence the fizzy yeah

It has multiple personality disorder

Prosecco is mental. It is mad. It is vibrant and it knows how to dissimulate. There is no standard type of fizzy. It is various: you can pick between still, semi-sparkling and sparkling. You can’t say that about lager can you?

Remember when we nearly lost it forever (twice)

Yeah, well I guess the world realised we were addicted to prosecco and decided to rain on the parade. In 2014 it rained so much in Italy that the grape harvest was severely affected. People were throwing words like “drastic” and “reduced” around. It was not a good time.

The Romans fucking loved it

Let’s ignore all the slavery and bloody gladiatorial for a minute and remember how great the Romans were: the sick aqueducts, the excellent poetry, the fact that everyone just got up every day and decided it was cajj to wear bed sheets. Well they also loved prosecco. It grew near the village of Prosecco (duh) on the Karst hills above Trieste and was then known as Puccino, a favorite drink among Roman big deals. They knew.

She knows as well

What doesn’t it go with exactly?

Prosecco is a drink for all seasons, all situations. It’s an aperitif before a three course meal, you can drink it in the bath, you can drink it in a hot tub, you can get wasted on it at brunch. Would you drink vodka at brunch? Not if you’re not Russian mate. 

The crisps, the fucking crisps

If there is evidence that we love fizzy too much, it lies here. We have a problem people.