‘Do you know people from TOWIE?’: Things you shouldn’t say to someone from Essex

Ah, Essex. We have Chelmsford, the beautiful, thriving capital. We have Brentwood, famed TOWIE haunt.

We have Chigwell, Romford and Ilford, residents with Essex postcodes who will try and convince you that because they have Oyster there, they live in London. And then we have everywhere stretching from Melbourne to Colchester. We don’t go to that shadowy land, Simba.

Whichever part you’re from, here are some things you’ll be asked a million times during your time here.

‘Do you go to The Sugar Hut?’

OK firstly, why does everyone from outside of Essex insist on prefixing Sugar Hut with “The”? Yes, but it’s called Sugar ‘Ut. Smh.

‘Are Essex boys really like that?’

Once, in the aforementioned Sugar ‘Ut smoking area, an Essex boy tried to guess my profession, and his first guess was “secretary”. Followed by “PA”. If you’re not a housewife, these are your two job options as a woman in Essex, apparently.

So yes, they are all like that. Get you a man from east London who can pop down from Stratford platform 10.

‘But you don’t sound like you’re from Essex?’

My dad didn’t pay for all that education for nothing, mate.

‘Essex is a bit rough isn’t it?’

Literally like have you ever been anywhere else though? Not very stabby here. I mean, there’s the Colchester Ripper, but I did tell you not to go there in the introduction.

‘Do you really say things are reem?’

If you go to Jamie’s Italian in Chelmsford, you’d think we do. He very tastefully emblazoned an eight foot “REEM” sign across the back wall.

Honestly, no-one has ever said “reem” before though. People don’t ask for “fusey” haircuts. Do you think Charlotte Crosby talks about her smelly fanny all day long in real life? Please stop assuming everything you see on a carefully manufactured show is true.

‘Say ‘shuuuuuut uuuuuup’!’

Take your own advice.

‘There’s nothing to do in Essex’

Excuse YOU. Have you never spent a day having IKEA meatballs at Thurrock, walking around Lakeside all day, popping to Westfield to meet the boy you’ve been chirpsing only to hang around there doing nothing until 10pm, all before getting the train back to Chelmsford for Wildlife Wednesdays? Sir.

‘Why aren’t you orange?’

Look, Sally booked up the slots early and Debenhams ran out of St Tropez. Let me live.

‘Do you know the people from TOWIE?’

Brentwood is a TINY PART OF ESSEX. TINY. That’s very ignorant of you. But anyway yeah, Kirk chatted me up at some traffic lights and I see Joey Essex going for runs. Amy Childs once barged past me to get to McDonalds. Also everyone reckons they’ve been fingered by Diags.

So, yes, but that’s not the point.