LadBaby, I get it’s for charity, but please leave the Christmas number one spot alone

There was a time when the Christmas number one spot on the UK Chart was sacred. It was a spot fought over by music heavyweights – titans of the industry battling for the most famous number one of the year as a nice little title to say they’ve achieved. Getting to Christmas number one has been achieved by the biggest artists in the world, with the title holding alumni including the likes of Queen, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Pet Shop Boys, Michael Jackson, Spice Girls and MOST importantly: Girls Aloud. Today, and for the last three years, the achievement has been strangled in a chokehold grip by a sausage roll guzzling, 34-year-old YouTuber from Nottingham known as, ahem, LadBaby. And I’m sorry. I know it’s for a charity, but as LadBaby campaigns for what will be a record-breaking fourth Christmas number one in a row, it’s high time for the sausage fiend to leave the top spot well enough alone.

Right, sorry, who?

Well, yes. That’s exactly my sentiment. Who? I’d never heard of Mark Ian Hoyle, the man known as LadBaby, before he steamrolled into my existence in 2018 with all the grace and decorum of a reversing dump truck without any tires on. Apparently, LadBaby is a successful blogger and YouTuber who makes content around him becoming a father with his wife Roxanne, who for some unexplained reason spends most of their Christmas number one videos acting like she wasn’t informed about what was happening and putting on a GCSE drama display of faux anger about all the silliness.

Apparently, Mark came up with the name LadBaby because “he was a lad and he was having a baby” and is known for the catchphrase “Yes, mate!”, which is a recurring quoted line in the videos. With such highbrow, comedy gold entertainment like the aforementioned it’s clear to see why this man is now a household name!

In 2018, LadBaby parodied We Built This City, changing the lyrics to say “we built this city on sausage rolls” rather than rock and roll. This was presented as if it was a novel, funny niche – despite the fact in 2009 you couldn’t go to a shopping centre without seeing people walking round in “sex, drugs and sausage rolls” t-shirts. Anyway, the public fell for LadBaby’s sausage roll stupidity and the song hit number one and all the proceeds went to The Trussell Trust – a noble action and a great thing for that year.

In 2019, LadBaby went for it again. Sausage rolls reared their pastry heads once again, but this time to the tune of I Love Rock N Roll. 2020 – a year where we have quite clearly been through more than enough – you’d think LadBaby would give it a gap year. But nope. They were back again, this time with a Don’t Stop Believing parody called Don’t Stop Me Eatin’. And what are they eating? YOU GUESSED IT! Sausage flaming rolls.

This year, they’re going for it for a FOURTH time. If they do it, they will equalise The Beatles (Yes, LadBaby are on course to equalise with THE BEATLES) for four Christmas number ones, and they will beat the current shared record between The Beatles, Spice Girls and LadBaby in having three consecutive Christmas number ones. Also, Elton John is on board with them, because in 2021 truly no artist is safe from an Elton John soul-sucking feature. Ed Sheeran is showing up too, because he gets where water couldn’t.

The songs that get Christmas number one aren’t always high brow, but they deserve more than this

Look, I’m not asking for much. I’m not saying the Christmas number one needs to be the most artistically impressive song of the year. For eons, Simon Cowell acted as a Christmas number one puppet master – twiddling and twirling the drab likes of Leon Jackson, Shayne Ward and Ben Haenow to a boring festive top spot crescendo. And I’m grateful AT LEAST, that the days of X Factor covers being a sure fire Christmas number one have fell deeply into the abyss. But even before that, the calibre of title holder was a mixed bag. In 2000, the top spot was given to Bob The Builder.

But Christmas number one should belong to the Mariahs. The George Michaels. The Little Mixs. I know Little Mix aren’t known for their Christmas output but honestly, I just really think they deserve it. Just for being them. But in all seriousness, the Christmas number one should reflect the time we’re in. It should be a natural hit of the moment in an ideal world, not a forced campaign with Ed and Elton backing that for some reason just never stops centring around the theme of sausage rolls. I would literally prefer a military choir to this.

Let’s have a moment to think about what we’ve lost

When LadBaby first got the Christmas number one in 2018, they beat out two bangers. Ava Max’s Sweet But Psycho and Ariana Grande’s Thank U, Next – two humongous tracks with infinite cultural impact – lost to some fella from Nottingham in a sausage roll suit. Yes, the money went to charity, but at what cost to the sacred music industry? Who is having THAT conversation?

In 2019, positions two rivals who just missed out on taking the top spot like they deserved were Stormzy with Own It and Dua Lipa with the outstanding Don’t Start Now. Both of them truly excellent songs would have been a fine way to end the last ever Christmas number one of that decade, a great representation of two of the best artists working in the British music industry. Again, we got a novelty song about baked sausage.

In 2o20, it was festive cheer all round, with Mariah Carey (who was at number one the week previously with All I Want For Christmas Is You, one of the greatest songs ever written in or out of the holiday season) and Wham at position two and three. Then suddenly, in rolls the sausage and delivers us all a spectacularly bitter lump of coal. Christmas ruined not by Covid, but by this shite. I’m so tired.

Okay, I respect that it’s for charity and a good cause

Charity singles and Christmas number ones go hand in hand. It’s happened for years, with military choirs and NHS choirs all joining the music business to do their bit. It’s admirable and wholesome, and so were LadBaby’s intentions with this first song despite the fact the songs he does are absolutely insufferable. But unlike the rest of these choirs and non-singers trying their luck, he doesn’t just get the top spot and fuck off again, he stays around. The stale smell of burnt sausage rolls ruining Christmas dinners nationwide.

In January 2021, Don’t Stop Me Eating’ fell from the top spot and out of the top 75 in a week, breaking the Guinness World Record for the fastest song to fall from the top and out ever. It’s empty, meaningless success – and whilst the money raised is good, the top spot should feel more culturally relevant for longer. Just because it’s for charity, why does that mean the music has to be crap? MAKE A GOOD SONG! Get the gang in and make a Christmas banger and I will cheer LadBaby’s name from the rooftops. But it’s tone policing to say that LadBaby is beyond criticism just because it’s for charity. The real issue is it shouldn’t be down to a YouTuber from Nottingham to be feeding people this Christmas.

Let’s get the good stuff to the top!

When Spice Girls got consecutive Christmas number ones in the 90s, they deserved it. Three bangers belted out by cultural icons who were changing the industry and having global impact whether it was the Christmas season or not. That’s what this achievement should be about – a big achievement for smashing out a great song at the right time of year. I have no issue with LadBaby and his blogging endeavours – although admittedly, they couldn’t be of less interest to me personally. But I beg, leave the charts alone. Find another jaunty way to raise your money, and give our ears a break.

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