Stop getting too wasted, everyone is sick of looking after you

We’ve all been there: slouched over the toilet, projectile vomiting while your mates feebly offer you water, desperately trying to avoid the chunks of sick flying over your shoulder.

But no matter how much you drunkenly tell them you love them, after the 20th time of dragging your lifeless body from the curb of Broad Street, they will start to resent you. Some people underestimate their limits, and unknowingly get themselves into the drunken mess – also known as “the student” – but there are those who endevaour to get trollied, knowing their mates will be there to pick up the pieces (of chunder).

Nights out should be about having a good time with your friends, drinking to have fun, but also having the mental capacity to look after yourself. They shouldn’t be about trailing round after your drunken friend, apologising to the beefy Meathead they just barged into, and generally trying to avoid their eventual hospitalisation.

I’m fine I just need a minute

There is nothing more irritating than standing at the bar with your friend, who is slumped against the counter with only one shoe on and a nipple hanging out. You’re telling them “you’ve had enough pal”, only to hear, “Fugg you boring bashtard, I can drink wodeva I want”.

You’re also subject to a stream of nonsensical abuse about how “they’re fine” and “can look after themselves”, despite the fact they’re grabbing onto your shoulders in a frantic attempt to get off the floor.

How the hell are you supposed to get drunk and enjoy your night, when your best friend is being cornered by a group of leechy 30 year old men, and her beer goggles are telling her they’re attractive young bachelors?

It’s funny the first dozen or so times, maybe you can laugh it off. But if it’s every bloody night out, and even if you give up trying, you’ll be travelling back in the taxi feeling like an awful person for abandoning your smashed mate in the club. You just can’t win.

There’s nothing wrong with getting wasted and forgetting most of the night. Binge-drinking and embarrassing yourself is a well known form of young adolescent bonding. But if you’re already smashed and you know you’re a bad drunk, consider leaving the row of Sambuca at the bar, and just go and have a good night with your mates.