Things people say around exam time and what they really mean

I’ve done absolutely no work for this = I was in the library ’til 4am revising

For some reason we all like making people think we’ve done less work than we actually have. This statement is a go-to for the hardest workers of the bunch.

I’ll be lucky if I even pass = I’m going to get a first and pretend to be ‘surprised’

People like to pretend they don’t work hard so it’s even more impressive when they miraculously do well. The fake-surprised look they have on results day is extremely annoying.

I was in the library ’til 4am revising = I procrastinated from midnight onwards and fell asleep

Anyone who tells you how hard they’ve been working is probably a victim of tragic procrastination, and will likely have spent more time on Youtube than in their textbooks.

What did you do for question two? I could have messed it up = I know my answer was perfect, I just want check I’ve done better than you

The person who asks about the exam is always the one who is up themselves. Either they’re asking you to confirm their answer as a gleaming light of perfection, or they’re about to rub in your face how wrong you were.

If I can get around 85% in this exam I’ll scrape a 2:1 = I’ve spent more time working out my average mark than I have actually revising

The art of procrastination has many levels. Some watch videos, some are stuck in procrasturbation station, and others stress so much they spend more time figuring out if they can actually pass. These are the worriers of the bunch, the ones thinking about the future, although they should spend longer on the present.

Well everyone found it tough so I’m sure it will get moderated up = I’m praying the marker will do something they’ve never done before so my mark magically goes up

Anyone who says this is a desperate case, under-prepared and likely to fail. You’ll probably find them praying to every god they can on the floors of the library.

Nothing I revised came up, it was so unfair = I didn’t do much work but I’m going to pin responsibility on the teacher

People who say this are infallible to themselves, they can’t admit they fucked up. They find solace in trying to pin blame for the outcome on anyone other than themselves. Do not go out with them on the post-exam night out otherwise it’s all you will hear about.

I don’t like talking about exam answers afterwards = I know I failed, so don’t tell me how easy it was for you

Even though most of us hate sharing answers after exams, it’s a kind of ritual. Anyone who completely rejects this process is about to go cry into their pillow.

I finished the exam 30 minutes early, must have over-prepared = Doing well isn’t fun unless you can intimidate other people and rub it in their faces

These are perhaps the most smug people on your course, so much so they want to show you how easy it was for them. It’s a pathetic bid for intellectual respect which many don’t fall for.

That was the worst exam of my life = Please buy me alcohol or cookies

Finally, the most honest of the bunch. If someones is there crying and wailing about how they didn’t see the question on the back, take a moment to comfort them, because they need something, anything, to relieve the pain for a while.