Ladybirds: Cambridge’s hidden menace

LOCK YOUR DOORS, BAR YOUR WINDOWS. THIS IS A PLAGUE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

I am now going to address a problem which has been clawing away at student psyches for months.

This underground menace needs to be recognised and dealt with in a sensible manner. It is time to stop suffering in silence.

They might look cute on a remote leaf but would you want one in your home?

The ‘Ladybird in the Room’ was first pointed out to me a few weeks ago.

Having neither experienced it myself nor an imagination, I was sceptical. However, after a spot of gentle interrogation, many people have confessed to having experienced ladybird infiltrations in their rooms. Here are a few testimonies:

“I can’t stand dead bugs (don’t mind them live) so it drove me insane.”

“It was last year – I only ever found ailing ones on the window ledges!”

“They used to spew out of my taps.”

“This one has been following me around for the last week”

I was so proud of these brave souls, who wish for their own safety to remain anonymous: it was as if a large red (or even worse, yellow) wing has been lifted and people were finally feeling confident enough to speak out.

The next stage in my investigation was to find out why one’s room is susceptible to ladybird invasion. Online explanations range from: “they want to hibernate in the winter”; to “ladybugs are attracted to light coloured houses”; to “the ladybugs are merely confused.”

Maybe your room just makes a good breeding ground?

This merely confused me, ‘specially as I now had to decide whether to refer to them as ‘ladybirds’ or ‘ladybugs’.

More successful was my attempt to discover what the ladybird plague really means. Apparently, the ladybird teaches us “fear and joy cannot co-exist” and “reconnects us with the joy of living.” 

So next time you find ladybirds spewing out of your tap, stop being so damn moany about it.

“So, how can I deal with the spotty buggers?!!!” I hear you cry. Well, you have some choices:

1) Leave them alone. As I said, real ladybirds should be welcomed with a great joie de vivre, plus disturbing them will only cause them to stress out and leave yellow markings on your walls.

2) Crack out that budget college Henry Hoover to suck the little shits out of view.

Two can play the ‘red, black & dangerous’ game

3) Invest in one or several “Ladybug Black Light Trap” retailing at the bargain price of £59.99. The ultra violet light will give your room that extra seductive kick needed for your desired beau to be putty in your now ladybird-free-hands.

Fall asleep to the relaxing sound of ladybirds frying to death

Why have furniture when you could simply have a lot of these?

No matter how you opt to deal with ladybird manifestations, the key thing to remember is you are not alone in this struggle.

If you have been subject to Ladybird attacks and would like someone to talk to, contact 0800-TAB-4433 for our professional help.