Glasgow’s most embarrassing sex stories

If you have enough sex, something is bound to go wrong and at uni everyone seems to be going at it like rabbits. We asked some lovely volunteers to share some of their more embarrassing conquests with us.

Here’s the people putting the fuck into fucked up

Charlotte

I was in Malia on holiday with my squad and early on in the week I got off with this boy Dan in a club. It was towards the end of the week and me and my friends were drinking in this bar and I run into Dan again. We get to talking and decide to make our way to the beach to hook up.

Meanwhile some of my mates realise I’m missing and start to ask where I am to which someone replies saying he saw me being carried out of the club by three massive guys. So two of my friends got on their quadbikes and started cruising about trying to find me. When they were at the beach they saw this really big guy going at this girl and thought it was me and freaked the fuck out. They went over to them and it turned out to be complete strangers, so they decided to carry on their search down the beach.

I was completely oblivious to all this going on and was having a right good pumping on a deckchair. Suddenly I feel these hands grab my face and this voice saying “Are you okay?” I open my eyes and my friend’s face is staring down at me while Dan is still on top of me. I’ve never shouted another man’s name so loud during sex.

Alex

I once drank too much chocolate soya milk and later when I was sucking my boyfriend off I deep throated too much and vomited up brown all over his dick.

Ciaran

#1. I went back to this girl’s house, not realising she still lived at home. Her mum came back and I had to hide under the bed when we heard her coming towards the room. It wasn’t until after I left that I realised my passport wasn’t on me but had fallen out in my rush to hide.

#2. I was having sex with a prostitute and she kept calling me Superman. Then she got bored and I ended up wanking myself as she watched. It was a pretty expensive wank.

Lucas

Last year I had my first shag at uni and it was one of the worst experiences ever. For starters she called my Pokeball tattoo gay. She constantly slapped me in the face and called me a gimp and then said I was hot. She did this repeatedly and demanded all these weird things she wanted me to do to her.

She wouldn’t cool it with the dirty chat and since she talked so much I was turned off and couldn’t get it up. Plus she wouldn’t let me wear a condom and called me gay if I did wear one. I repeat: worst experience ever.

Don’t be a loner, cover your boner

Tammy

It was in first year and it was one of those nights where you just end up drinking in halls. Some of our mates were round at ours and we were all pretty fucked and I ended up going back to one of the guy’s flats who I’d pulled a couple of times before. When we’d finished shagging he pulled out and the condom was nowhere to be seen. We searched for it but to this day neither of us knows where the fucker went.

Doug

#1. This was when I was still a virgin and I was 14 and with my girlfriend at the time and she was like okay let’s do it. I went to get a condom and was full-on naked when her mum walked in and I just stood there.

#2. I was at uni and I’d been on a night out and brought this girl back. As I was shagging her she kept saying “ow” repeatedly like she was in pain, I was starting to feel a bit rapey so asked her if she wanted me to stop, but she told me not to, so I carried on. She kept saying “ow” over and over. We were both really pissed and so I was like fuck this and stopped and when I looked down there was just blood all over the bed.

Annie

It was towards the end of first year and it was one of those nights where I’d decided to just have a few tins and have a quiet one. Inevitably I got completely fucked and at some point in the night my friend came to the party and had brought some pals with him. I got chatting to one of the guys who was just up visiting from London and pulled him.

As the night went on he said he was leaving and did I want to come back to his mate’s flat where he was crashing. Rather than going back to my crappy room in halls which would’ve been far more logical, I got in a taxi with them to East Kilbride thinking it’s only 15 minutes away.

Drunk and oblivious by the time we arrived at his mate’s gaff, we started to hook up and were just getting down to business when his shoulder dislocated. I went and got his mate who was a medic to see if he could pop it back in, but we had no luck. I ended up getting a taxi with the guy to the A&E in East Kilbride and spent the next few hours waiting for him to be sedated and have his shoulder put back in.

Once he came round we went back to his friend’s and had a disco nap before heading back to Glasgow. It wasn’t until I was waiting at the bus stop that he told me it was a 50 minute journey back to Glasgow city centre.

Cammy

I paid a prostitute €60 to lick my arse.

Lizzy

I was on holiday in Ayia Napa and brought this guy back to my room. Halfway through having sex I got bored and told him to stop. He got up, threw the half-used condom in my eye, called me a cunt and left.

Ross

It was my sixth year in high school and the “lads” and I went to this party and met a couple of girls. We were keen to get them back round so I decided to have an afterparty and what looked to be quite promising ended up being three girls back at mine with six guys. The ratio was a bit off to say the least. It didn’t bother me though as I was getting with one of the girls.

We go to my room and try to get it on. First of all she was about 6’1″ and played netball at a national level which made this next part worse. I couldn’t get it up (it could have been the full bottle of Jack Daniels I drank for pres) so went through it with a semi which was a struggle enough and the sex was poor.

That didn’t end up being the worst part though. When we were done I noticed my white bed sheets were completely covered in blood. One of my mates came in and saw it and couldn’t stop laughing but decided tonight wasn’t the night to share and helped me get all my bed sheets stripped before anyone saw. I later found out she was a lesbian and that was her first time with a guy.