Scissoring: The inside story

Two girls and one common question. How does it work? Scissoring, tribbing, muff buffing, churning butter, clam jousting, whatever you want to call it. If only explanations of the sex act were as numerous as its shit nicknames. There’s an uexplained stigma and debate regarding the charming subject – it’s time to set the record straight. Or gay, whatever.

It’s time to expose the scissor for its true self. As surprising as it may seem, scissoring is not the only way that lesbians have sex, contrary to the common misconception held by friends and every drunken rugby player you’ll ever meet.

Scissoring is glorified by pornography and, unfortunately, very rarely provides sexual gratification. In fact any modicum of orgasmic success is contingent on you having a lot of time and stamina on your hands. Still it’s a rite of passage, and one that you must undergo in order to earn your provisional lesbi-card from LGBT boot camp, before taking your practical exam.

You’ve seen it before in “Back Door Sluts 9”, or another cinematic masterpiece along the same lines. They’re all having a great time, but the aesthetics are as good as its going to get.  You gain more from watching than you do from participating. It is like trying to find two lesbian needles in a haystack. Shock horror it’s not actually the go-to for girls, but you wouldn’t rule out the possibility of giving it a go if all else fails.

There are a handful of people out there who genuinely believe if you don’t buff with another muff, you’re not a “real lesbian” or vice versa. But, in the end, it comes down to personal preference.

The Beginner Scissor

The dynamic is similar to a randy game of twister, or the hokey cokey. You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out, in out shake it all about.

This is the position that automatically springs to mind when someone mentions it, and also provides the best bean-on-bean action that you fantasise about. Scissoring as such gives you the opportunity to see your partner clearly and wonder why on earth you even attempted it in the first place.

The Standing Ovation

A step up from the classic scissor, this position allows optimal movement as well as the possibility of being kicked in the head. Simply sit up straight whilst your scissor sister is on her back with her legs open and enjoy the ride.

The ‘I’m too tired but also still horny so let’s lie down and try and make this work’

If you’ve lost all hope at trying to align your planets but are still trying to reach the big O, this one is your best bet. The somewhat more successful of the three, it does make the moment that little bit more intimate. It’s the final stretch, the last leg, so to speak.

As a rule of thumb take some advice from Shakira – your hips don’t lie. Hips play an important role in churning butter. It’s all about committing to the moment and putting some real effort in. Avoid re-enacting the mechanical bull-ride you once went on in Spain all those years ago.

Scissoring is misconstrued and exaggerated for what it really is. The theatrics are fun in and of themselves. That being said, it’s completely hit and miss. Just like Marmite, you will either love it, or you will hate it.