A definitive list of the weirdest things people have said on Kiss College London

Kiss College London was originally created as a Facebook page for anonymous posts about love, crushes and one night stands.

Nowadays, it has cult status at King's for its memes, hilarious politics, and outrageously graphic confessions. But, ultimately, its a testament to the unbelievable thirstiness of KCL students- and we LOVE it!

So, its only fair that we took a deep dive into its weird and wonderful depravity and found these absolute gems for your enjoyment.

1) "Need me some 100% RSPCA-assured Red Tractor-labelled farm-bred organic British pork in a big thick long sausage."

At least in the student diet of pot noodle and baked beans, one person cares that their produce is ethically sourced.

2) "VM, I just found out I've contracted chlamydia and I may have passed it on to you, sooo, please go and get checked- it's easily treated"

There's no good way to tell someone they might have chlamydia, but there is certainly a bad way. Take comfort, VM, it's easily treated, after all.

3) "I want that kind of gaynal that causes a rectal prolapse. Any boys up for shagging me hard enough my arse falls out?"

Oh. Okay. Hope this guy found the Prince Charming he's looking for!

4) "KR, 3rd year business management, you have great feet"

Ah, those eight magical words every girl spends her life waiting to hear. All our most sincere congratulations, KR.

5) "for people who wanna have a shag or hookup at Red Card meet by the Desmond tutu head"

So, not only do you besmirch the good name of a brilliant human rights activist and anti-apartheid campaigner with this smut, but you actually go to Red Card? Wow.

Mr Tutu would be disappointed.

6) "MAN SEEKING THE SEX FROM A WOMAN- WILL LAST FOR OVER 3 MINUTES, APPLY WITHIN"

Props to this guy, he knows what he wants, and he goes out to get it. In all caps.

Best of luck to you, bud.

7) "If I want to hook up with a prof, should I stalk their usual pub adventures or flirt during office hours? Asking for a friend"

Oh goodness. Your confidence is certainly admirable, but have you ever considered…NOT doing that?

8) If you're not already sitting down for this one, you should be.

"I want disrespectful a$$ secks. Thumb in @ss, hair pulling, all up in my cervix, scking on his fingers while massaging his b@lls kind bruh. Don't like this if your peen aint thick doe"

Every day we stray further from the light of God.

9) "how do I tell the guy I'm seeing that he is bad at sex??"

Hey, maybe you could make a Kiss College London post about it?

10) "Anyone knows where the spot in Waterloo libary [sic] is where me and my girl can get frisky?"

No. You go home and get 'frisky' silently, in bed, with the lights off while softly humming the national anthem like every other emotionally repressed British person does.

11) "Any girls at Moonraker who wanna take shower every now and then"

You heard it here first, folks: showering regularly is officially OUT. Infrequent and irregular showering is what's sexy now. Take note, ladies of Moonraker Point.

12) "where my dirty skater boys at :(( if you dont wash ur hair i want u daddy xxxxx"

Firstly, ew.

Secondly, further evidence that showering is no longer hot, while greasiness, dirtiness, and smelling gross are now the vibe. So glad that Medieval peasants are finally getting the cultural representation they deserve.

13) "Where are the sexy intelligent private school boys at, literally i am in despair tell me where you hide out i'm so lost and everyone supports labour here"

As some of you may have noticed, Kiss College London has been recently plagued by a disturbing number of posts from people trying to make Tories sexy…

Stop trying to make Tories happen, Gretchen, they're not gonna happen.

Also, have you tried the local Waitrose?

14) "Just want a posh girl who pretends to be a Labour voter to cover up the fact she's a big Tory. Holla at your boy."

To misquote Gwen Stefani, here's hoping there ain't no hollaback, boy.

15) "eton boys, hmu"

Perhaps hmu means 'eton boys, Help Me Unionise'

16) And, in strange twist of fate…

"who cares about tories wheres [sic] the Brexit party cuties at?"

I'm not sure Ann Widdecombe is interested, although I'm sure she's flattered.

17) Finally, is there a more glorious note to end on than this post?

"To the girl I saw Friday at the pub (You know who you are), YOU CAN CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE LONELY, WHEN YOU CAN'T SLEEP, I'LL BE YOUR TEMPORARY FIX, YOU CONTROL ME EVEN IF IT'S JUST TONIGHT"

This post has everything: unbridled chaotic energy, a cryptic undercurrent, the lyrics to the biggest boyband bop of 2015 BC.

Unexplained One Direction references on anonymous Facebook posts are, undoubtedly, a genius seduction technique.

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