What do the SRO election campaign policies actually boil down to?

Most of the election candidates gave a 90 second manifesto summary to a small audience at the Guild last night. There are several candidates, but what are their policies actually about, and what makes them different?

Our resident political expert Benedict Spence reveals all…

Harry Anderson

Ah, comrade-leader Anderson. Surely a man with such sensible glasses is a shoe-in for re-election? Well, with policies like these, he’s got a chance.

The implementation of lecture capture should be a big winner for those students too lazy to turn up to their tedious chores seminars. The question is, can they be arsed to vote?

Increasing the grant from the University is also commendable (Howard “Diamond Geezer” Newby isn’t around to splash it, after all) but what does he want to spend it on if he gets it? Come on Harry, show us the money.

Becky Garnault

I applaud her, really I do. I’m sure her policies were well intentioned. The problem is they’re all a bit… well… weak. Is that a fair expression?

Don’t we already have a system for students to have their views represented? Isn’t it… this election? A suggestions box is always novel, but inevitably whoever reads it just receives the same advice to go and fellate themselves over and over again.

As for encouraging activism, it’s all fun and games until somebody slightly to the right of the Green Party airs their opinion, and then, suddenly, our very safety is at risk, guest speakers are No-Platformed, people run round screaming “Ohhh the humanity” and SUs don’t seem quite so liberal anymore.

Rosie O’Donnell

If more funding for the AU and societies is what she wants, she’d better hope comrade-leader Anderson forges a pact with vice chancellor Beer for more cash. Or, you know, she could win and do it herself, but I’m not convinced because she doesn’t wear sensible glasses.

One fails, however, to see what arrangement can be made to reduce the price of Independent Liverpool cards for students. It’s only a tenner. It’ll pay for itself over a year. If you’re that hard up, maybe you shouldn’t be eating out?

Will Harding

The learning bursary and the LGOS loyalty card are great initiatives, and if he gets elected, I look forward to seeing how long he takes to drop those promises once he realises how much they’ll cost.

Then there’s the usual waffle about improving the use of Guild for societies. The dust has barely settled on the £13m refurbishment, but there’s no pleasing some people.

XinXin Cao

Three really sound pledges. Reducing the cost of university accommodation, better English classes to help international students overcome the language barrier, and a commitment to get the university to help students find paid internships.

You’d have to be Malcolm Tucker armed with a Gatling gun to enact that sort of change, but I suppose if you can source a Gatling gun at all you’re halfway there. If people actually voted for policies she’d be a dark horse.

Isaac Lual

Isaac wants to reduce tuition fees, increase grants and promote equality on campus. Which is more than any British politician has done since the turn of the century. Please bear that in mind. This man has cojones.

Sadiq Haruna

Sadiq has listed no policies. Bold move, Sadiq. You have even bigger cojones.

Hayfa Ali

The first policy appears to be introducing separate Fresher’s Week events for minorities to help them integrate. Answers on a postcard if you can explain how that’s supposed to work.

The other policies, however, relating to increased placements for students who need them, and an academic mentoring scheme, have merit. I know me degree and this article would done lot better if I had somebody older who help me writ good.

We don’t have a picture for Hayfa, as despite being at the candidate speeches event, she didn’t give a speech.

Grace Edwards

The housing ideas are good, and long overdue. The standard of student housing is appalling nationwide, not just in Liverpool.

The free bike scheme, however, is ludicrous. While Liverpool isn’t one of the worst cities for bike thefts, it’s still a worryingly common occurrence, and frankly, the Guild doesn’t have the money to start pissing it away on a scheme like this.

I also don’t know what a ‘liberation representative’ is. If people require liberation, aren’t we better off calling the police or NATO?

Alex Ferguson

Alex is currently finishing setting up the Nightline counselling service (useful given cuts to University counselling services), launching a Guild App, establishing a tenant’s union to improve student housing standards, and starting a part-time job fair.

Potential cons? He shaves his legs, only wears turtlenecks and is named after a football manager. I mean, would you vote for the love child of Bradley Wiggins and Steve Jobs? How about if they called it Fergeh?

Emma Sims

Emma pledges to fight for cheaper accommodation, cheaper books, better representation and improved feedback from module tutors on changes to courses.

She also has by far the best campaign slogan and hashtag combo. As long as she doesn’t remove all the doors and set the Guild alight with us inside, I won’t complain.

Fred Wongraven

Fred’s sole policy seems to be to improve life for international students. She also promises free coffee and biscuits… so, you should probably vote for her.

Jack Stanley

Jack here wants to introduce a lecturer’s charter to improve teaching standards and I say bravo! I’ve no idea why I keep failing modules, but I’m pretty sure it’s someone else’s fault.

His pledge to increase funding available for societies is exciting. Finally LUDS will be able to afford enough smack for their adaption of Trainspotting.

He also claims he’s “willing to have the tough conversations”. So, Jack, where can LUDS procure good narcotics…?

Alex Bjerkholt

Alex pledges to solve the issues surrounding technology at the university, making Wi-Fi more easily available among other things, and bringing to an end the dreaded bi-semester collapse of VITAL. He also says he wants to cut through the bureaucracy at the Guild. Good on him.

If he really wants to achieve this, it means sacking people, which probably isn’t his intention, but is what’ll have to happen. For this reason alone, I’d like to see him elected.  You know those people who walk around the Guild dressed like students, only older and with name tags? Isn’t it about time they moved out of digs and got real jobs? Go on Alex, put them out of their misery.

Voting starts on Monday 16 March, and the winner will be announced the following Friday.