How to act around a dealer, by a scouse drug dealer

It’s the dark of night, you’re probably mid-pre drinks, and you get a call. It’s time to meet your dealer. Whether it’s in a car or under the soft lights of that dodgy corner, it’s got to be done. But what is the perfect way to behave? Do you ask how his missus is? Are you allowed to be mates? We interviewed one of Liverpool’s finest and got the definitive answers to those pressing questions. Your dealer might thank you for it.

Learn your non-wasteman phone étiquette

“The worst thing someone can do is text ‘are you the guy for pills’, ‘coke guy’, ‘pills guy’ you know, that kind of weird approach rather than the usual ‘hey I got your number from somebody’. It’s a bit bait. I just think ‘you fucking plum I’m not even going to reply to that’. Don’t bait yourself out in a text, approach it in the right way or else I’m just going to ignore you. I’m just thinking ‘oh hello mister police man’.

“Even when a guy sends x’s at the end of a message that’s better than being bait, like when the MD’s really hit them and they text you to say how fucked they are. It shows customer’s happy with his product and I can’t really complain about that. It’s funny.

“Don’t order tick and then only let your guy know when he gets there that you’re going to pay later. If you’re a regular I’ll let you do it, but if it’s people that are a one off then I’m going to be reluctant, it’s your first time I’m not really going to give you a fucking tick because I don’t really trust you, I don’t know you.

“If you ring me, and I miss it and ring you back, and you don’t pick up the phone, you can fuck off.”

Don’t ruin the collection

“Don’t be one of those drunk customers who make my car smell like a fucking bar after you’ve been in it. Or don’t be a sweaty fucker either, I have to spray down my seats.

“Don’t try and get personal and ask me things like ‘where are you from’ and things like that, I’d prefer not to get personal, just keep it business. I don’t need to give you my fucking life story.

“Don’t go to the car window for fuck sake. Get in the passenger seat. I’ve got the passenger seat empty for a reason. We’re in a public place sometimes and it’s way too bait, clearly I’m stopping for you to get in the car so we can drive off so I can sort you out.”

Meeting

“Everyone tries to put on a badman first impression cos they don’t wanna be fucked over. To be honest though, if I was a customer I wouldn’t want to act too soft around a dealer cos I don’t wanna be fucked over.

“It’s funny sometimes, cos you meet people a few times and then you start to see through them and see how they really are, and compare to the first time you met them and you just laugh cos they’ve loosened up a bit and they know they won’t be done over.”

Paying

“Coins aren’t much of an issue unless it’s 20s and fucking fives and all that, that’s a ball ache. But when its pounds it’s fine you know, money’s money.

“Don’t scrunch your fucking notes up. I’ve got a car, it’s not a street deal, you can give me clean fresh notes. You don’t have to scrunch them up, there’s absolutely no reason for it.”

Don’t ask if he can drive you to town

“I had this girl once and I think she thought that because she was a girl I might be lenient, so she asked me if I could drop off some ket and then drive her to town. She lived fucking miles away and I’m like, ‘are you silly?’ she offered petrol money but I was way too busy for that. It does sometimes piss me off, I’m not a fucking taxi service. I’ve got deadlines and people to meet, especially on the weekend.”

Ask politely if you can give his number to a mate

“I appreciate that they ask rather than giving it to any Tom, Dick or Harry, cos for all I know a friend of a friend of a friend could be a fucking bellend, worst case scenario could be someone who’s aunty and uncle work for the government, teacher something like that, and things escalate. I’d rather keep it between reliable customers, rather than branching out too much and any unreliable person getting my number and slipping up.”

Definitely do not go to hospital and reveal your supplier

“Some people get too fucked on certain drugs, or can’t handle them, or don’t know how much to take. So they go to the hospital cos they think they’re going to die cos, acid or too much dizz can be scary sometimes. They might blurt out to the police officer or doctor who they got it from because they’re not in a fit state. They might think it will even help them.

“People will do anything when they’re fucked or having a bad trip, anything if they think it’s going to help them. Cops are dicks like that and they will probe you when you’re fucked, and people slip up. I should get a fucking declaration, a consent form. Sign here, saying I am not involved, that this will not come back to me, you’re responsible, you’re a big boy, you can handle yourself.”

Be a polite stoner

“Weed customers are by far the worst customers. They are so fucking impatient and fiendish. They’ll text me like ‘where are you’ if I’m five minutes late. Five or ten minutes late is standard. They will text you five times like, ‘where are you’, ‘are you coming’. I’m a fair guy but if someone orders a gram of MD or a 10 bag of weed I’ll prioritise the MD on a Friday night over a petty 10s of weed. They’ve got to understand that they aren’t on the top of the list, there’s other people waiting. I might stop selling weed because of them.”

Don’t ask if it’s good

“Motherfucker am I really going to say if it’s shit? I take pride in what I do, I’m not going to sell shit stuff. ‘Is it good?’ mate you’re going to struggle to find any dealer who will just say, ‘no it’s pretty shit mate but I’m going to flog it to you anyway’. It’s a dumb question.”

Most importantly, turn up

“People who don’t come out their houses when I ring them will get black listed on my phone. Your loss. I’d wait 5 minutes, 10 at a push. When you’ve let someone know you’re on the way, you expect them to have their phone on them. They wouldn’t miss their takeaways would they? You always have your phone with you when you’re getting a takeaway, so why should drugs be any different? Why would I be sitting round for 10 minutes on a weekend when I’ve got orders all over the place?”

Be nice and don’t be cheeky

“Get in the car, don’t be bait, but don’t be too scared either – I’m not going to rob you. Try and keep it phonecalls only, don’t text me stupid shit. Actually when people are fucked and they call me it gives me a giggle. When people text me ‘I’m off my rocker, me and my bird are so fucked’, I actually laugh at it.

“People have to be a bit bold, but not completely happy chappy cos that’s not the business we’re in. When they’re too bold it throws me off. It’s too bait, it’s almost like entrapment, although that’s illegal it still throws me off guard. I like a little foreplay before the action. If you’re going to text first, warm me up. “Are you around” or “can I call you” or just call me. That’s what it’s there for.

“Don’t be cheeky. Don’t ask for too many discounts when the price is already very good as it is. Especially on weed, cos dealers don’t make that much from weed anyway. Don’t ask for further discounts. Our risk is higher than your brokeness.”

Other articles recommended by the author:

• How to act around a dealer, by a scouse drug dealer

• Inside the life of a student drug dealer

• These are the pills in current circulation that you should not be taking