So it’s getting to that beautiful time of year where we are either celebrating our relationship or happily single (well…)

This comes with a little self-reflection on either a) how to be a better partner or b) how to improve your wonderful single self either just because or for prospective hotties.

Turn offs:

Living in Beeston.

Beeston’s local clientele

Is your affinity for charity shops/ the elderly overwhelming? Should I call a professional in?

Long nails on men.

USE THEM.

Universally unacceptable.

TWO MINUTES TO CUT THEM THAT IS A TINY TASK TO HAVE GIRLS NOT PHYSICALLY REPULSED.

Being a post-grad.

Spot the post-grad trying to fit in.

We share things, I think we’re having a moment and then you’re all ‘post-grad’ on my ass.

Are you a student? Are you my tutor? Where’s the line here? (i.e can we snog or?)

Not having a ‘thing’

Jack Wills + Kenya + biological click ticking = happy days

E.g. a sport or activity that just gives you so much more ‘depth’ and ‘understanding of the important things’.

Come on, where’s your gap year?

Apparently not coming from the Home Counties or somewhere abroad.

Whur is dis pls

Where will you get an intahnship?

Coming to uni with face paint/ Crisis stamps on ya nog/

I can’t even describe how much I don’t know what animal this is meant to be.

Wafts of shame and alcohol are following you and repelling everyone. Just. Bed.

Things that should be a turn-off but aren’t:

Beards. Beards. Beards.

*may not be real facial hair

Yes, they are a facial sponge essentially but somehow. Somehow.

Being a LAD.

Two-pint cups, the only drinking vessel for lads.

Fucking awful term, overused beyond contemplation but they are still hot incredibly.

Really peppy people.

They should be annoying but mostly they are just good company. You sort of experience a conversation rather than participate in one.

Fake tan, where used well.

Do you smell of cornflakes? A little. Do you get laid? Also a little.

“I’m just getting some Vitamin D, it’s really for the health.”

 Bonus Brownie points for:

Happy people.

SHHHHMIIILLLLEEEE

The whole Buddha/ candle malarky of one candle lighting thousands.

Self-confidence.

Pulling. It. Off.

Looks can only get you so far, personality can render a poor ugly sod rather attractive.

Being out-going.

Off for another cycle jaunt.

Get-up-and-go attitude is very valued in the laziest generation known to mankind.

Being well-read.

This might be a personal bias but its my article so let me exercise my Napoleon complex. Reading books is hot right.

luff reading (and tea)

Being a society’s ‘Sec’ of some kind/being in a successful sports team

Have a fling.

We’re here to ‘better ourselves’ for life after so when someone doesn’t fall into the internet k-hole every night, it’s fairly cool.

Dressing well.

Bum bag AND sock and sandals?! Wow.

Class is FREE OF CHARGE YOU LITERALLY DON’T HAVE TO PAY A PENNY MORE JUST TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT CLOTHES OMG.