How to do gym properly

Here at The Tab, we take our gains seriously.

So imagine our disgust when we returned from a bulk-filled Christmas to see a bunch of newbies at the University Park Gym abusing our sanctuary.

To help heal this epidemic, The Tab has provided you with our guide on how to gym properly. So read this, listen to the Tab’s playlist and make yourself a better person.

Equipment:

A vital component of any serious Beef Champion is attire.

Vest: simply a necessity. How will people know how big your biceps brachii truly are if sleeves are covering those puppies up? The brighter your vest, the more girls will notice you and admire your confidence.

Flowers also show the sensitivity of your soul

Gloves: important for comfort and image. Not only do these bad boys keep your hands soft to the touch, they also send a message to other Swolbraham Lincolns that you mean business.

Brand power is essential

Beanie: did you know that you lose almost 40% of your body heat through your head? Think of how much more you could lift if you retained that heat. Wear a beanie, push heavier weights: it’s science.

Photoshop demons

Flip-flops: rain or shine, flip-flops demonstrate your commitment to the meathead persona whilst also showing off your dench toe definition.

Sleek toe def

Stash: wearing your society or sports team’s kit shows you have other pursuits in life, further highlighting your sacrifice to be at the gym.

What a BNOC

In the gym:

So now you know how to talk the talk, it’s time the walk the walk.

Conversation topics: protein, girls, how many you necked at your local Wetherspoons last night, girls, house music, football, girls or correcting a stranger’s weight-lifting technique. Anything else, save it for the tea party. You girl.

Don’t be afraid to tell people how wrong they are. As Nottingham’s answer to Ronnie Coleman, it’s important to share your unquestionable knowledge and correct any poor form. They’ll thank you later.

Legs day: like ‘cracking your knuckles gives you arthritis’, ‘wanking makes you blind’, that secret room in Coco Tang or global warming, legs day is a myth.

Am I doing legs day right?

Mirrors: absolutely vital to maintain gains. All serious gym-goers know that if you don’t flash your abs immediately after finishing a set of sit-ups, the muscle acquired will be lost forever.

Abs maintained, complete with edgy filter

Protein shaker: a testament to your knowledge of the science of gains, your shaker should never leave your side when in the gym.

Don’t argue with science

Weights: DO NOT put your weights away when you finish with them, otherwise people will never know just how much you lift.

Some people say messy; I say it’s a statement

After gym:

There is only one post-gym option. Make the most of your pump and head straight to Ocean to pick up one of the hundreds of now-willing girls.

Yeah, you can tell she wants it