I’m a virgin and I don’t care anymore

So, let’s talk about sex


Losing your virginity can be a big deal, for others it’s just one of many life events. Being a second year and “still” a virgin I can’t deny that I haven’t thought about it, and it turns out (often during post-Bridge DMCs) many others have too.

Arriving as a fresher last year I was nervous of sticking out like a sore thumb for being a virgin. On the contrary, many people were – and still are – like me. But I’ve had such a positive experience. Not once has anyone made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. In fact, my biggest enemy was myself. Part of me just wanted to “get it over and done with”, the other part had more reservations. I think I thought that with time the part of me saying just get it over and done with would win over, but in fact it made me realise how I just don’t want to as a one night stand. The way I see it, it’s unlikely to be a pleasant experience and I’d rather lose it to someone who knows me so I can learn from it. But that’s my opinion, some of my friends have a completely different attitude.

Credit: Electra Lyhne-Gold

It was a chat with one such friend that really inspired me to write this article. She said:

“I never like to tell guys I’m a virgin. I normally just say I don’t like to have sex on one night stands or on a casual basis. I feel that if I told them, they may be deterred, might treat me differently or not want to do anything at all. I’m sure in reality this wouldn’t happen but I worry so nevertheless. I do worry that the older I get, the more would be expected from me. Like if there was a guy I was comfortable with, I feel like telling them would weird them out more and they may have second thoughts about me.”

Why do some feel that the label virgin would deter people from having an intimate relationship?

Some people believe that losing your virginity is likely to be unpleasant, and subsequently decide to lose it to someone who isn’t emotionally important in their lives. Others (like me) would rather lose it to someone they are likely to have a relationship with or are in a relationship with. Quite frankly there is no right way – just what is right for you. As Alison from The Breakfast Club points out,”if you say you haven’t, you’re a prude. If you say you have, you’re a slut. It’s a trap.”  One of my friends had the same dilemma:

“My attitude was get it out of the way with someone I don’t really care about because it’s bound to be embarrassing, and then when I meet someone who I do care about, I will be more experienced and it won’t be painful. But whenever the opportunity came up and I could have let it happen, I ensured that it didn’t because deep down I knew that getting into bed with someone I didn’t know very well was never going to be a good idea. I knew that I would regret it and it wouldn’t have helped my self-confidence in any way. Looking back, I’m glad I waited to lose my virginity to someone who I trust,  someone who would accommodate for my inexperience, someone who would actually find it funny when I started laughing because the situation was just so awkward and new to me, someone who was willing to teach me and teach me to appreciate my body, and grow in self-confidence.”

Credit: Electra Lyhne-Gold

Even if losing your virginity isn’t a big deal, it’s an event that will likely stay with you, and should ideally be on your terms. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case, and some of my friends have said as “everyone else has” then “so should I” (peer pressure rearing its many ugly heads.)

One friend asked me something interesting the other day, “Do you think virginity is worse for a guy or girl?” Before speaking to him I thought it worse for girls. However, he changed my perception:

“I actually think it’s worse for guys. It’s a sort of stamp of masculinity to have done it with someone in a way – perpetuated by lad culture. If a girl told me they were a virgin I wouldn’t think much of it like I would for a guy – it’s almost like a rite of passage which isn’t a positive thing.”

Being a virgin should not be regarded as worse off and certainly shouldn’t be worse off for a specific sex. Do you picture a girl or guy when you read the block quotes above?

The general response is a girl, but in reality, two of the quotes are from men – so why do the majority of us picture a girl?

Why do we refer to losing your virginity as if it is either a precious object (in the case of women) or a hinderance (in the case of men)? Why is it never seen as gaining something? This may be because historically virginity was associated with purity and, for some, still is. This outdated terminology only makes virginity seem more of an ordeal – after all, losing something sounds much less fun than gaining something.

One of the main reasons that  being a virgin is still a big deal for some is the lack of openness when we about our sex lives. Losing your virginity is put on a pedestal, seen as a hurdle that has to be crossed – but one which is generally never spoken about. Sex-Ed at schools is often sub-par, further perpetuating these attitudes. For example, one of my friends’ sex ed comprised of her teacher forcing the rubber tubing of a bunsen burner into a cardboard box as a ‘model’ for having sex.

Another friend highlighted the benefits of being more open in talking about these topics:

“I think that as you go through school, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the idea that losing your virginity is some sort of race to be won. It’s easy to see why – we’re at a very impressionable age and sex is a cool new thing to do, often associated with being more mature and becoming an adult. However, since coming to uni and chatting to people I’ve found that most no longer feel this way. People begin to realise that there is no ‘right time’ – every individual is different, and it doesn’t matter whether you lose it at 16 or 56, as long as the time is right for you.”

Not only will openness show how so many others are in the same situation, it will help make people more aware of the different views we all have, and ultimately make the topic of virginity much less uncomfortable. Admitting that you are a virgin should not be regarded as a brave thing to do. The stigma surrounding talking about virginity simply should not exist. We should have the freedom to have sex when we want to, and when we feel comfortable. Equally, there shouldn’t be a stigma against people who really enjoy sex and don’t necessarily care who they do it with.

Whilst we have different attitudes, the unanimous opinion is that people just don’t give a fuck when you fuck…just be quiet yeah?