How to speak to ethnic minorities; breaking down stereotypes

Coming from an unequally intertwined Arabic and African background has left me in a tight position. My country of origin ticks all the boxes of an unstable third world country and I’ve realised that this automatically makes me a walking target for completely ignorant yet hilarious statements. Before delving into this particularly sensitive topic I would like to clarify that this is purely satirical.

No ethnic minorities were hurt during the making of this article and all the comments mentioned below have actually been said to me or a friend in St Andrews. Do not try this at home kids, as a spear, AK47 or any other stereotypical weapon of choice may be fired in your direction. I repeat, do not try this at home.

Now, to the guy outside of Mabells: I really had NO idea what my hometown was called so I really do appreciate your spiel of geographic facts on North Sudan. You drunkenly shouting “ASSALAM ALAYKUM” upon hearing of my Arab roots really made me feel at home in this foreign land and my family are sending you a herd of sheep as a gift this very instant. I love that you now shout it in greeting every time you see me, so I have arranged it that my embassy will also be sending you a thank you card. Please, tell me all about the separation of North and South Sudan and the genocide in Darfur because I am so awfully misinformed. Your input will be noted and treasured by me and my ancestors for eternity.

To the girl at the house party: your utter shock at the fact that I went back home for my gap year was sweet. It was truly heart-warming that you found it ‘brave’ that I could do such a thing as go back home to my family, friends and nice big house. I really am a courageous soul, and I am so glad to see that someone finally recognises my struggle. What a girl.

My friend from Bombay has obviously never seen or heard of Slumdog Millionaire so please shout “OMG SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE!” when she tells you where she’s from. She loves that. Also, make sure to ask her if she knows any of the film’s actors personally because I know for a fact everyone knows each other in Bombay – the second most populated city in the world. You may even be taken aback by her luxurious curls but as long as you pat her head and say “suuuuuch nice hair” then you’re in her good books. Bonus points if you ask her “can I touch it?” before you reach out your hand in wonderment.

Obviously Arab friends love war talk. Ask them about every war that has taken place in the Middle East in the last century and they will happily take their minds off of their rising oil stocks for a moment to indulge you. Palestinians are also known to designate time out of their everyday lives to discuss the Arab – Israeli conflict with you from 1948 till present when you ask them to – even if it’s in the middle of a loud house party (which it often is). And if any of the Arabs really like you then they’ll throw in a free checkpoint adventure during story time.

My friend of Chinese heritage is incredibly smart, but make sure you associate her hard-earned grades with a genetic predisposition to excel academically. She’ll love you so much for completely undermining her hours of hard work that you’ll earn a study buddy for life. “OMG it’s the year of the dragon. What year were you born in? Monkey?” is her idea of the perfect icebreaker. Just try it.

On a general note, when you’re meeting anyone from a far away land it is crucial to attach a cliché accent/comedic persona to the conversation. Ahmed the Terrorist is a firm favourite with Arabs, Russell Peter with Indians and (insert black comedian here) with anyone of African descent. Capital city naming is an essential and be sure to mention the specific details of how the economic crisis is impacting their country within the first five minutes of meeting them. You must not forget to compliment the fluency of their English under the circumstances and be sure to say this slowly and loudly. Follow these instructions closely and be sure that by the end of the year, your Facebook friend list will be a Model United Nations!