In response to the idea that marriage cannot be feminist

In a controversial video posted by The Guardian called “Women, face it: marriage can never be feminist,” a British woman openly criticizes women who believe that marriage can be feminist. The woman points out that despite some feminists’ desire to “‘re-claim it’…marriage is an institution that has curtailed women’s freedom for centuries”, and that will never change. She goes on to list certain wedding traditions such as having your father give you away, wearing a white dress, and changing your name as proof that marriage is only “about perpetuating male privilege.”

I’m not going to deny that she has a point. When I think about the fact that women used to wear white wedding dresses to show that they were virgins and not “spoilt goods,” I’m disgusted. But that’s not the reason women wear white wedding dresses today. No one at a wedding watches the bride walk down the aisle wondering whether or not she’s had sex. They’re far too busy admiring how beautiful she looks in her dress. I’m not disagreeing with the fact that these traditions have a questionable history, I’m just saying why bother complaining about them since they clearly don’t mean the same things anymore?

I’m also not going to deny this woman’s point that marriage “has formed the backdrop to women’s oppression for centuries.” Everyone knows that marriage used to be just a fancy word for slavery, and often still is in the 47 countries that the video listed. But in the Western world, where most of the wedding traditions that were mentioned come from, marriage has drastically changed for the better. For example, there is no longer pressure for women to change their names after getting married. In fact, I find that it has become more controversial to want to change your name rather than just keep your old one.

But most importantly, most modern marriages are based entirely on choice. These days, marriage is about men and women (and men and men and women and women) choosing to formally declare their love for each other in front of their friends and family and choosing to spend the rest of their lives together in an equal and loving relationship. It’s literally all about choice. And what is more feminist than choice?

In fact, if there’s any at all anti-feminist about this, it’s that this woman thinks she can tell other women what they should or shouldn’t do or feel. At the end of the video, she explicitly says that “women should stop pretending that marriage is anything other than a tool for their own oppression.” Not only is this blatantly false and entirely condescending (as if women wouldn’t be able to tell if they were oppressing themselves), it’s also telling them what to believe, which in its own way is a form of oppression.

What I’m saying is this: If you’re a feminist and you want to get married, you should be able to do that without being shamed for it. Now more than ever, we should all be allowed to love and be loved however and by whomever we choose.