Dear men, cat calling has never and will never get you laid

I’m not sure about you ladies, but nothing gets me going more than a man whispering “I’d destroy you” in my ear as I walk to work. There is no other way I would like to start my morning, am I right? “Please sir may I have my grande iced Caramel Macchiato with a side of sexual harassment? No, hold the whipped cream.”

Unarguably there is an issue of objectification and sexualization of the female gender within modern society. Although it is unfair to say this matter is exclusive to women, men face a very different set of unrealistic expectations to live up to, all reinforced through the media. Little girls are introduced to “Barbie” dolls at an early age (for the record, no real women with a Barbie’s figure would be able to breath), told to play dress up with pink, iridescent clothing and play “house”.  Boys are encouraged to play with monster trucks, toy guns and often told “toughen up son”. Although this segregation of the blue and pink aisles in Toys-R-Us are slowly blurring, the gender barriers still face major obstacles.

I grew up in a town where it was safe to walk the streets in the late hours of the night. At my college in upstate New York, I feel relatively safe walking home at 2am and have been lucky to avoid sexual harassment for about eighteen years of my life. I am now living in Brooklyn, New York, commuting every morning to Manhattan. I cringe every day when I wake up knowing I have to spend most of my commute dodging the hungry eyes of strangers, staring at my body as I shuffle through the crowd.

Working as a bartender in a college town, I’m used to flirtation. The familiar faces smiling, sneaking peaks down my shirt as I hand them their drink, I’m used to the insecure boys thinking they are god’s gift to Cornell because they are in a “top” fraternity or because they play a sport at an Ivy League. I have full confidence in sassing these men when they attempt to get my number, or better yet, just try to sleep with me for one night.

The answer was no

So when I moved to Brooklyn, I was shocked at how terrified I was of the way men were looking at me. Slowly pausing at keys part of my body, whistling, these men were persistent and cruel, as well as a physical threat. Telling off frat boys is a lot less risky than telling off adult men. After weeks of living in NYC, I’ve experienced an array of encounters filled with unwanted advances. There is a major issue with society accepting this behavior as the norm and no one is talking about it.

There is a drastic difference between giving compliments and harassment. I am aware many victims take these advances as a form of flattery. Doree Lewak of New York Post articulates that argument well. Cat calling has a negative connotation because men are not yelling out to strangers to make their day better, they are calling out because they think it’s amusing.

Not once have I ever seen a woman ripping her clothes off and mounting a construction worker on the street because he told her that her jugs looked perky today. Last week on the subway a stranger complimented me and gave me his number. Although I was not interested, I reached out to thank him for having the guts to approach me in a non-threatening manner and face potential rejection. I can confidently say your chances of getting a date are infinitely higher if you approach the matter this way versus yelling profanities.

When it came to my friends’ experiences, accounts varied in severity, from girls who were cat called from vehicles and followed home to pictures being taken of them. One story involved a fire truck, a group of service men who are supposed to protect us, slowing down on a way to a call, so they could yell out a slew of crude comments. Another friend explained that in her hometown, she has to roll up her car windows to avoid verbal assault from other drivers, in which the situation can escalate to the point where they throw things at her car.

One Cornell student explained that she was harassed in her work place, which adds an entirely new level of complexity. “My coworker knew it was my last day at work, so he took the opportunity to ask me ‘is it considered sexual harassment if I tell you you have a nice butt?’ I made sure it was also his last day working there as well.”

Another peer told me of an occasion where she too, attempted to stand up for herself.  “Just a few weeks ago, I was walking through town and passed in front of a house that was having a mellow outdoorsy party. This guy followed me saying inappropriate comments, clearly very intoxicated. I tried to deescalate the situation by laughing and saying ‘a little less of that, please’. A man nearby on a porch yelled, ‘if you aren’t running away, clearly you want it’”.

We can’t fight back, we can’t verbally sass the aggressors, we get blamed for secretly “wanting” the comments, and then we are laughed at when we try to make a big deal of this behavior. We are blamed saying that we dress in a way that is “asking for it”. I dress to feel confident about my body and for myself, not to woo strangers into giving me compliments. I should not have to wear a potato sack in order to avoid verbal harassment.

While you personally, hopefully have never had to deal with this issue, it is ignorant to pretend this matter is not of concern. So please, next time you see a situation where cat calling is occurring, stop it. Help the victim. Don’t be the aggressor.