The insider guide for new Whartonites

Don’t call yourself a Whartonite

People will already label you pretentious for just going to Wharton; don’t make it any harder on yourself (or the rest of us) by giving yourself this ridiculous title. For comparison:

Conversation 1

Person 1: Hi, what school do you go to? 

Person 2: I’m a Whartonite!

Person 1: Well, fuck you too! 

Conversation 2

Person 1: Hi, what school do you go to?  

Person 2: I go to Wharton!

Person 1: Great!

PS: Here’s an example of something a self-proclaimed “Whartonite” would pull: www.whartonrejects.com (I’ll admit I laughed, but at least I didn’t make it).

Do yourself a favor and buy some grownup clothes

Throughout your first year (and every year after that), you’ll be giving presentations, going to interviews, networking, and attending special events, and, as a person who wore the most ill-fitting black suit in existence, you should believe me when I say you’ll wish you invested a couple of dollars in looking a little more professional. So, use some of that money I know you saved, being the thrifty student of economics that you are, to buy some new business attire, or, at least, have the ones you own tailored.

Sorry, you don’t get to sleep in

Well, only if you have morning classes, but the point is, if you came here thinking college meant skipping classes or showing up late, you were wrong. You might be able to get away with it in some of the larger classes, but a lot of Wharton and UPenn classes actually impose penalties for showing up late or missing class, so, unless you want a dip in your grade, a surprise question on how to optimize an assembly line, an angry language professor yelling at you with words you haven’t learned yet, or a professor to spitefully give out the answer to a test question in your absence, show up to every class on time. Ya? OK.

Take the placement exams!

Seriously, taking these will really free up your schedule. So DO NOT forget to take these exams because, if you do, you’ll have to wait until next semester to try again, and, let’s face it, you might as well not take them at that point since you’ll probably have forgotten everything anyway.

You’re not going to class at 8am

I know you think you can do it, but I have news for you: you can’t. You might ignore me and think to yourself, “I woke up everyday last year at 7am. I can definitely do that this year too” or “I have a ton of self control, and always wake up when the alarm tells me to”. Well, if that’s the case, take a moment to remind yourself how naïve and ignorant you are and return to reality. An early morning class is the absolute worst thing you can do to yourself. Not only will you probably stumble into the class one day, recovering from all the “water” you drank the night before, but I guarantee you that your brain will betray you and, on the one day your professor decides to give a pop quiz, let you sleep in — I still have nightmares about my experience with this. So, play it safe, and sign up for as many afternoon classes as possible.

You’re not going to class at 8pm

Late classes suck. Not only will you be too tired from your earlier classes to pay attention to what the professor is saying, but everyone assumes you’ll be free at this time, so that means meetings, BYOs, etc. will be planned around it. Trust me, taking classes at regular hours will make your life a whole lot easier. Also, it can get a bit sketchy at night, especially since you’re right next to West Philadelphia. Now, don’t get too scared; UPenn has the third largest police force of all US universities, but also keep in mind that the Fresh Prince did leave Philly for a reason. I’m just saying…

Read a map

Some of the buildings here are pretty tricky to find, and there are quite a few that are just too far away for you to find on your own. But where you really need a map is Steiny-D, the labyrinth-like building-within-a-building that use to be the main Wharton building before Huntsman. The upside is, once you find your way around this monstrosity, finding your way around taxes will seem like a piece of cake!

Learn the language

Every college has a few strange terms their students use, but Wharton has taken it a step further and almost invented a new language…kind of. Evidently, business people love using acronyms, so, surprise, that means Wharton students do too! I hope you know your letters because you’ll now have to recognize them in a whole variety of regurgitated, backwards, mixed-up forms (I feel so bad for foreign students). Just to get you started here’s a list of some of the terms/acronyms you’ll have to learn:

The Quad: the Quadrangle…duh.

Steiny-D: Steinberg-Dietrich Hall, the confusing Wharton building I was talking about before.

The Compass: the compass-shaped pattern on Locust Walk. If you walk over it before your first midterm, they say you’ll fail it, but don’t believe that — it’s just a rumor started by frat guys to single out the freshmen girls. I walked over it, and I did fine…my grade was only a D.

High-rises: not really slang, but, if you’re confused, they’re the tall buildings just past Huntsman (their names are Rodin, Harnwell, and Harrison).

The Button: a big, white sculpture of a broken button outside of Van Pelt Library underneath which adult activities are known to occur (but now there are cameras so don’t try it…unless you’re into that kind of stuff).

Tampons: the really big sculpture of red sticks by the High-rises.

Ben on the Bench: the bronze statue of Ben Franklin sitting on a bench that visitors like to take pictures on. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT SIT THERE! Urinating on the statue is a tradition a disturbing number of students partake in, so just avoid it as you walk to class, snickering at the tourists giving Ben a big hug.

Flyering: this slang isn’t unique to just UPenn, but will be a part of your life whether you like it or not. It’s really a lose-lose arrangement: if you’re handing out the flyers, it’s boring and super awkward, and, if you’re getting flyers shoved at you, it’s really annoying (I usually try to avoid Locust Walk).

Frats: I’m not even going to bother listing all of them, but a ton of the frats here like using names other than their Greek letters.

Clubs: When people talk about clubs, they usually just refer to the acronyms. For example, WCBS is Wharton China Business Society. OK, there’s one; now, go find out the rest on your own.

DRL: David Rittenhouse Laboratory, the far-as-fuck math and science building that’s so old some of the companies that sponsored its construction no longer exist.

OIDD: Operations and Information Decisions Department (a lot of upperclassmen hate the new name and still call it by its old name, OPIM).

BEPP: Business Economics and Public Policy.

BYO: a social event where you Bring Your Own alcohol to a restaurant that doesn’t check IDs. But be carful; the cops here are really strict about alcohol — a girl was charged with under-aged drinking even though she was only one day from being 21, and they REALLY crack down during Spring Fling.

MERT(ed): when the Medical Emergency Response Team comes rescue you because you’re so drunk.

OCR: On Campus Recruiting, the most stressful point in your life until you’re investigated by the SEC for insider trading.

GSR: a Group Study Room that you reserve to study, hold a meeting, or watch Netflix on a big screen.

IRS: the last people to get their hands on your money.

Don’t be a jerk

Not jerks but great people

If you came here thinking being a Wharton student entitles you to screwing over everyone you come in contact with, you came to the wrong school. One of the first classes you’ll take is MGMT 100, a class that basically teaches you how to work in a team without being an asshole. Sure, it may seem like fun to play Gordon Gekko, but, guess what, making friends helps a whole lot more than making enemies. I know, mind-blowing! And you know what else? The cooperative teams in MGMT 100 are always the most successful ones. Double mind blown, right? Plus, you never know whose parents are CEOs, sultans, or politicians, so play nice.

Watch out for jerks

Most people here are good, decent, hardworking people…but then you got the Jordan Belfort wannabes too. Last year, one student sued another for slander, while a club officer got caught embezzling funds, and that’s just the stuff that first comes to mind. And, if you take BEPP, watch out during the market simulation game; it doesn’t even count for a grade, but there will still be cussing, threats, and backstabbing. So, while you’re here, don’t be suspicious of every person you meet, but also realize that Wharton’s notorious reputation is being maintained by someone.

Well, there it is. Now, instead of being guided by your naïve freshman thoughts, you can be guided by the cursory, generalized tips a complete stranger just gave you. And isn’t that really what business school is all about? Have a good year, and try not to screw things up!