The weird ways being in a sorority prepared me for life as a mostly functional adult

I don’t wanna stereotype here or anything, but for most girls, the reasons for joining a sorority are as follows: non-stop parties and events, a built-in group of friends, access to non-disgusting university housing and a network of job and internship opportunities. Pretty much in that order. As a weird, lonely freshman party girl who, prior to pledging second semester, hung out solely with a motley crew of male potheads, my priorities were largely concentrated on the first two things on that list. I loved every second of my unanticipated turn as a sorority girl, but I didn’t exactly join in the hopes of learning any valuable life lessons.

Then I graduated, got a job, got an apartment and began attempting to navigate life as a semi-functional human being in the so-called “real world.” That was when I began to realize that several of the experiences I endured during my sorority days had actually expertly prepared me for those I would have to figure out as a 20-something. Who knew? Idk, probably the people who invented sororities.

Anyway, here are the things that being in a sorority really teaches you.

How to make small talk

Small talk is a strange construction. 9/10 people would probably agree that it fucking sucks, and yet, we all continue to insert ourselves into situations where it is expected. The sorority recruitment process is probably the best example of one of these situations. For the uninitiated (no pun intended), it goes something like this: you’re herded into a room where anywhere from 30 to 100 other women are screaming an unintelligible song at you, then you’re shuffled off to go make conversation with one of these strangely perky individuals about your major or whatever for about two minutes until another one not-so-subtly pops up to relieve her sister and attempt to engage you in the same exact conversation. Then you proceed to do this exact same thing again approximately 75,000 times over the course of about four days.

It’s worth noting that once you actually get accepted, you’ll have to participate in this whole charade again several more times, except on the other side of the equation, where you’ll be expected to actually lead the conversation. But if you can manage to do this every semester or so for four years without killing yourself, you’ll be set for any cocktail parties/work functions/other obligatory events with people you don’t know and/or don’t like that your adult life might throw at you.

How to not be weird around people you perceive as cooler than you

One of the best things about being in a sorority is that you are automatically taken under the wing of older girls, who know valuable information like which frats roofie their punch and which dining halls won’t give you explosive diarrhea. Many of these girls are also probably the coolest people you have ever met, a fact that can make it difficult to interact with them beyond the requisite corner-of-the-eye staring and nervous laughter.

But eventually, it will dawn on you that they’re just people too and that it wasn’t so long ago that they were freaky little freshman nobodies. This is an invaluable lesson when applied to literally every person you will ever encounter for the rest of your life, from the CEO of your company to your new boyfriend’s grandmother.

Portrait of the author as young sorority girl holding booze

How to buck up and do dumb rituals

Sorority life is full of dumb, dated rituals like singing and secret handshakes and reading somewhat nonsensical passages out of old books. In the context of the rest of your university life, it’s pretty fucking weird, but you do it anyway because everyone else is and you’re kind of a dick if you don’t.

What’s interesting is that this cultural obsession with rituals continues into your post-college life as well — from professional swearing-in ceremonies (for all you wannabe doctors and lawyers out there) to all the strange stuff that goes down at weddings (and trust, there is some very strange stuff).

How to speak about yourself without seeming awful

This sort of goes back to the whole ‘small talk’ thing, but it’s also a bit more nuanced than that. A large aspect of the sorority rush process, on both sides, is giving what in early-aughts internet speak might be referred to as your “A/S/L.” You know, your vital info — name, age, major, hometown, dorm building — the shit that no one really enjoys going through but that has to be stated in order to move forward with the relationship.

This is not all that different from what happens during a job interview or a first date, so it’s important to figure out how to do it as elegantly as possible. Sure, no one enjoys rattling off the finer points of their resume (or listening to someone else to do so, for that matter) but if you can make it even somewhat interesting and definitely not at all braggy, well, then people might be more inclined to hire and/or spend time with you socially.

A more accurate depiction of sorority life does not exist

How to tolerate people you don’t like but are forced to be around

The media likes to make sororities out as being full of cat-fighting, back-stabbing bitches, but that wasn’t my experience at all. I genuinely liked and enjoyed most of the women in my sorority. They weren’t necessarily all my best friends, but I found that almost all of them had something to offer. Of course, there are always a few crack slippers. Get it? People who have slipped through the cracks. Bad seeds. Rotten apples. You know.

Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, this phenomenon continues into pretty much every interpersonal situation you’ll ever find yourself in again for the rest of your time on this giant spinning orb. Learning how to tolerate these people as best you can (ignoring them and then complaining to my friends about them later is a strategy that has worked wonders for me) will save your sanity.

How to hold your booze

I used to joke when sorority/frat formal season rolled around that I “wasn’t mature enough to handle an open bar,” and guess what? That was completely accurate! I so was not! It honestly wasn’t until I scored a job that basically required attending such events on the regular that I reached that level of adulting, but that’s a story for another time.

Basically, if I hadn’t had a steady stream of alcohol coursing through my veins for much of college and embarrassed myself on several occasions — thus, I guess, slowly learning the difference between ‘fun night out’ and ‘fucking sad slopfest’ — I would have been toast the first time I attended a party where free alcoholic beverages were being served out of vessels other than Solo cups. But maybe that’s more of a ‘being in college’ lesson than a ‘being in a sorority’ one?

Sadly I was never as well dressed as the Chanels

How to save your money

It’s true, being in a sorority costs money. But you know what else costs money? Literally everything fun in the world. You’ll probably (hopefully) never again be as broke as you are in college, so what better time to learn how to budget than when you have basically no money at all? I mean, the math alone is just significantly easier.

Depending on how much you make at your shitty on-campus job (or are able to squeeze out of your parents), you’ll have to figure out how to pay your dues, afford to participate in sorority activities, and obtain necessities like a dress for formal and skimpy going out tops from Forever 21. This will prepare you for the day when you’ll have to figure out how to pay your rent, afford to participate in eating meals regularly, and obtain necessities like all the alcohol you now have to purchase for yourself because there are no more frat boys to steal it from.

How to care about something other than yourself

Some people are natural born joiners, and some people — for example, me — are natural born weird outsiders. But no matter how independent or introverted you are, life is pretty much a series of groups you have to somehow force your way into. Companies, families, friend groups, neighborhoods, intramural sports teams (if that’s your thing) — better get used to identifying as part of something larger than yourself as soon as you can.

It’s true, some sororities force you adopt this mentality by threatening and screaming insults at you (remember the original deranged sorority girl? Or, like, every other one that’s gone viral since?). But cool sororities, i.e. the only ones you’d want to be a part of do it by accepting you and helping you and having fun with you until one day you wake up and realize that if some sweaty frat dude were to insult one of your sisters (even one of the ones you don’t like that much!), you’d probably haul off and kick him in the nuts and you have no idea where that level of passion came from but you’re kind of into it.