A guide to perfecting the walk of shame at CU
Pro tip: you’re going to regret wearing those heels
Been there, done that. We have all woken up in a bed that is not ours, hair in one giant knot, clothes from the night before and too many unanswered questions. Whether it is before sunrise or while students are walking back from their 8am’s, there are ways to successfully perform an unnoticed walk of shame.
The classic do’s:
Take an item of clothing
Whether it will be returned or not, you deserve it. You sacrificed a night away from your Tempur-Pedic mattress, the least you earned is something to cover up the fact that you are wearing a crop top at seven in the morning. However, this item is only allowed to be something to cover your top half. Anything from an old flannel to a bar mitzvah sweatshirt works in this case. This not only adds a sense of warmth and comfort over your lace-up black top, but it also adds a casual look. Onlookers will also be less likely to question your outfit and life choices if your bellybutton is not showing first thing in the morning.
Be the first one to wake up
Whether this means setting an alarm or staying slightly awake the entire night, it is best to avoid an awkward morning conversation. Waking up at 5am sounds much better than having to say “thank you” before brushing your teeth with your finger while looking for your clothes spewed over an unfamiliar floor. Another benefit of leaving early is that there are less people awake, which means less of a chance of any uncomfortable run-ins. This means you can turn your sprint into a casual jog, because who doesn’t go on runs in booties with their makeup on from last night?
Plan ahead, and Uber if necessary
If the walk is more than 10 minutes, resorting to an Uber is okay, just make sure to call it ahead of time. Nothing is worse than hearing a honk or having to pick up your driver’s phone call because he can’t seem to find the frat house you are so obviously standing in front of. Another option is texting a friend the night before, notifying them of the questionable situation you are in. If they are nice enough, and have a car, this option is a lot simpler than an Uber. However, if the walk is 10 minutes or less, just get the exercise and save your money.
The absolute don’ts:
Walk up or down The Hill
The obvious and easiest way to get back onto campus or to some off-campus housing is to walk up or down The Hill, on 13th Street. However, it is best to avoid this street. Walking around this area will give you the best chance of being noticed on your shameful walk back home. If going around it is not an option, run like it is tryouts for the Ralphie runner team.
Engage in any unnecessary conversation
This means conversations with any of your last night’s lover’s roommates, or even a casual passerby once you leave. Whether you see that girl you study for Biology with sometimes, or your English teacher from last semester, try to avoid all eye contact and conversation if possible. It is much easier to deny being seen early in the morning in your clothes from the night before if you did not say hi to any acquaintances.
Stop ANYWHERE
So you probably have not gone to the bathroom in over 12 hours, but this does not mean it is okay to stop in Starbucks to use their bathroom. Does your mouth feel like the Sahara Desert? Are your blisters three seconds from popping? Do you feel last night’s dinner coming up? Whatever the excuse may be, under no circumstances is it okay to make any pit stops. This is called a walk of shame for a reason. Tend to any necessary business once you are in the comfort of your own home.
There is no denying that we have all been there, or in some similar situation. While some walks may be more shameful than others, it is important to think ahead and make thoughtful decisions in order to successfully perform an unnoticed walk of shame.