News 9 years ago

An ode to Craig Mazin: The only good thing to come out of this awful election

And Princeton’s best alum on Twitter

2016 has been rough so far. We got stuck with two of the worst presidential candidates in living memory. Hillary keeps getting embroiled in scandal after scandal, while Trump continues to offend people right and left.

However, there has been one bright spot in this abysmal election season, and that bright spot is a Princeton alum named Craig Mazin.

The writer of the last two installments of The Hangover was Ted Cruz’s roommate during his freshman year at Princeton in 1988, and he has quite a bit to say about the Texas senator who made a failed run at becoming Republican nominee.

To celebrate the fact that this mess of an election is almost over (assuming Trump accepts its results), we compiled Craig’s greatest hits on Ted.

Krazy-glueing Ted Cruz’s alarm clock

When Ted Cruz was my roommate, he'd endlessly hit the snooze button. I asked him to stop. He wouldn't. So I Krazy-glued it. #learnfromthis

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) October 11, 2013

Ted Cruz is a Trojan Horse’s Ass

Ted Cruz is now trying to win the nomination the only way he can: by default. Caveat emptor, GOP. Cruz is a Trojan Horse's Ass.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) March 10, 2016

Ted Cruz was widely loathed

As a freshman, I would get into senior parties because I was Ted's roommate. OUT OF PITY. He was that widely loathed. It's his superpower.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 10, 2016

Ted Cruz is a cyborg maybe

How little has Ted Cruz changed since 1988? If he hadn't gained weight, I could make a strong case that he was a cyborg.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) December 8, 2015

Ted Cruz got Craig some good followers

I have 30k followers now, and all I had to do was be stuck in a room with Ted Cruz for a year. I'm sure you're all nice, but SO NOT WORTH IT

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 18, 2016

Craig puked on Ted Cruz’s textbooks

In 1988, I puked all over Ted Cruz's textbooks. U JELLY?

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) August 8, 2015

Ted Cruz is insufferable

Personally, I'm kinda thrilled. More Cruz! If I suffered for 10 months with this abomination, why should you people get off any easier?

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) February 2, 2016

Ted Cruz is stupid and smarmy

Ted Cruz has offered to help Donald Trump prepare for the debates. Now instead of sounding stupid, Donald can sound stupid and smarmy.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 30, 2016

Ted Cruz is an asshole

I love that Ted Cruz is now bipartisan shorthand for "asshole."

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) October 21, 2016

Ted Cruz has masturbated

Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016

Ted Cruz leaves scuzz

Ted would leave a greasy film on everything. My friend Erik dubbed the substance "Cruhz," rhymes with "scuzz." Now there's Cruhz on my TV.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 10, 2016

See you in 2020.

Princeton University