Thoughts every non-sports-fan has during the Super Bowl

If you’re like me, you have never really been into sports, at least, not watching them. Maybe you played a sport when you were younger and maybe you watched your siblings or your friends play a few games because you had to. But you’re not a die hard fan of any sport and you don’t really understand how people are.

And then the Super Bowl comes around, one of the biggest sport events of the year and you feel obligated to watch it. And you actually enjoy some parts of it — the non-football parts.

At kickoff

Even though you’re not a huge fan of sports, someone, somehow convinced you to watch the Super Bowl with them. Maybe you got invited to a Super Bowl party. Maybe you’re watching it with a boyfriend, your girlfriends or your roommate. Either way, once the game comes on, your thoughts sound a little something like this.

• Will anyone notice if I leave?
• Why did I agree to watch this?
• — Oh right, the food.
• — And the halftime show. Which is about an hour away…
• Why would anyone freeze in a stadium that is louder than a concert around a bunch of drunk people for hours just to watch a sport?
• The person singing the national anthem did pretty well, still not better than Beyoncé though.
• Where are the commercials?

When you’re trying to decide which team to root for

You don’t follow sports, so you obviously have no prior knowledge to help you make this decision. You will probably even switch teams halfway through the game based on who is winning but you still want to side with someone in the beginning.

• Let’s see, which team has the better uniforms?
• Who is the president rooting for?
• Which cheerleaders are dancing better?
• Wait, which team is closer to my home state?
• Which state is cooler though?
• I’ll just see who has the cutest quarterback…

During the game

By this point the game is on full throttle, but you’re bored out of your mind. You’re trying to keep up but you have no idea what’s happening and you’re literally thinking about everything except the game.

• Was that a first down or a third or a fourth? Whatever.
• What is the ref even saying?
• Why are all refs so old?
• Where are the football wives sitting? Do they understand what’s happening?
• How did football even become a sport? Did someone just say, “hold this ball and let me throw you to the ground” and voila?
• Oh, shoot I missed the touch down — I should stop zoning out.
• What’s a fumble?
• There’s a position called a cornerback? What the heck do they do?
• The puppy bowl would be more fun to watch than this.
• How long until the commercials come back?

During commercial breaks

These are the only things that sustain you in between long boring intervals of football. You’re laughing with your friends,  some commercials might even make you tear up a little, but they’re always over too soon.

• Will there be another commercial with a pony and a puppy becoming friends? I don’t think my heart can take it.
• Why do girls have to be half naked in order to eat a giant hamburger?
• When are the Doritos commercials coming on?
• I have never heard of that company in my life.
• Isn’t Justin Bieber supposed to be in a commercial this year?
• No, bring the commercials back — I actually understand them…

During the halftime show

The moment you’ve been waiting for! Maybe your favorite singer or band is coming on. Even If you don’t like the performer, it’s still okay with you because you’re watching something other than football.

• Finally!
• Why can’t this last the entire super bowl? Everyone loves music.
• It’s already over!?
• Fine, bring on the commercials.

When the game finally ends

You start listing your favorite commercials in your head to tell your friends about later. You also try to remember the most notable points in the game for tomorrow to give people the illusion you actually understand and care about football. And you watch the end celebration with slightly more interest than you did with the game.

• Why is everyone going to Disney World after this? I know it’s awesome but damn.
• That trophy looks heavy, would I be able to lift it?
• Bless the poor soul who has to clean up all of this confetti.
• Will there be more funny commercials after this?
• Would it be rude to leave first?
• How much food can I steal before I leave?
• Yeah, I’m not doing this to myself again.

But you know you’ll get tricked into doing it all over again next year.

Happy Super Bowl, everyone!