If the 2016 presidential candidates were Tulane dorms

Students at Tulane go about choosing their dorm with about as much thought as they do when entering the polls: either after copious research (mainly freshman) or with barely any thought. Even though they both are important decisions that affect us every day, the choices are never ideal.

Every dorm and every candidate has their own unique personality, and is often stereotypical and annoying. And although everyone complains, just as in politics, housing at Tulane usually works out.

So, here it is: Tulane’s Residential Areas, if they were 2016 Presidential Candidates.

Butler – Ben Carson

You hear “honors” and you think “nice”. You hear “doctor” and you think ‘smart.’ But this is not the case for Butler or Ben Carson. Although this is the freshman honors dorm, it’s one of the worst dorms on campus. It just looks dirty.

Ben Carson, in comparison, is one of the worst candidates. Even honors students hate Butler – and even Republicans hate Ben Carson. Sorry if we offend you with this Ben Carson but, at least if you yell at us we probably won’t be able to hear you.

Wall – Lincoln Chafee

Who? Where? For those who don’t know (probably many), Lincoln Chafee was a Democratic Party candidate who, not surprisingly, got lost among the more popular candidates. No one really knows a lot about him, and no one really knows a lot about Wall.

If you didn’t live here, you most likely don’t know someone who did. Wall sits behind Bruff, so if someone is walking through campus they literally won’t see it. Wall is without a doubt the nicest freshman dorm, and yet, it is still the least popular.

Greenbaum – Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio, at the young age of 44, is the newcomer in the race and Greenbaum is the newest dorm on campus.

Aesthetically, they both look nice and decent. But Rubio’s tender age is enough to deter voters and Greenbaum’s proximity to The Boot is enough to deter students. With The Boot being so close by, Rubio won’t have to embarrass himself again if he gets a little thirsty…

Mayer – Martin O’Malley

When describing Mayer, the words “nice” and “middle ground” come to mind. When describing Martin O’Malley the words “fine” and “decent” come to mind.

No one would really mind O’Malley being president, but he doesn’t have the commanding characteristics of his other candidates. By all accounts, Mayer is a nice dorm and fairly popular, but it doesn’t have the same popularity that other dorms have.

Not to mention, they both are aesthetically pleasing…

Irby/Phelps – Rand Paul

Irby and its counterpart Phelps are popular among those that live there, but everyone else doesn’t really want to step foot in them. They’re dirty and look like Kentucky motels from 1976.

Supporters of Rand Paul are die hard and truly think that’s the way to go. Everyone else sees Paul as the human equivalent of a Kentucky motel and doesn’t want him anywhere near the White House.

Warren – Jeb Bush

Simple: No one wants to live in Warren and no one wants another President Bush.

JL – Hillary Clinton

The all female dorm suits uber feminist Clinton. JL is in a quiet location and has lush greenery around. By all accounts, it’s a pretty decent dorm. And yet, time and time again JL is upstaged by the more entertaining dorms just as Hillary is upstaged by the more entertaining candidates.

JL desperately tries to seem fun and hip like the other dorms – holding events on their quad. Hillary tries extremely hard to reach the younger generation, appearing on Saturday Night Live numerous times and trying to casually say slang terms.

But her pantsuits and 1950’s mom haircut stand in the way of this much like the location and lack of testosterone prevent anyone from really wanting to be in JL.

Monroe – Donald Trump

As the tallest dorm on campus, and one of the tallest buildings in New Orleans, Monroe could just as well be a Trump Tower.

Monroe is the typical freshman dorm and Trump is the stereotypical Republican candidate – saying all the right things to get the support of the super Conservatives. Monroe might look decent, once you’re inside it really is the stereotypical dorm: dirty and often annoying. Trump might seem like the ideal candidate to some, at his core he’s really just annoying and like all the others.

Sharp – Ted Cruz

Monroe’s counterpart is the adjacent Sharp. Trump’s rival in the 2016 election is Senator Ted Cruz. Sharp offers all the same basic things Monroe does: the typical college dorm, but half the size and a little rougher around the edges having not been renovated as recently as Monroe.

Like Sharp, Cruz isn’t as polished as Trump – and is roughly half his size. Sharp and Monroe are the two most popular freshman dorms, and just as with Cruz and Trump who are the most popular Republican candidates, no one is really sure why.

Paterson – Bernie Sanders

Super far left, self-proclaimed “socialist” matches Paterson: Tulane’s token “hippie dorm”. The people here love being barefoot and smoking weed.

Bernie and his super liberal policies would do well in Paterson – possibly the only place where he isn’t the most liberal one in the room.