Meet the Tulane bikers wreaking havoc on campus

Before coming to Tulane I asked a friend, “Do you bike to class?” She responded with an exaggerated no – she wouldn’t dare try. At Tulane only the brave souls bike to class. Or in my case, the sad souls who arrive late to each class every Monday/Wednesday/Friday drenched in sweat because they had to get from Newcomb to Dinwiddie and then back to Newcomb.

After realizing that I am a miserably poor speed walker, I concluded that there was no other way for me to make it to class. I had to bike.  

Tulane’s campus was not made for bikers. The crosswalks are too narrow and too crowded. When I do bike, there are multiple places where I have to get off my bike and walk it through the flood of students. On top of the spatial incompetency of Tulane’s crosswalks for bikers, the animosity Tulane walkers feel towards their peers on wheels is enough to scare someone away from biking altogether.

Walkers aren’t particularly fond of bikers. And bikers aren’t particularly fond of walkers, or each other sometimes. Mostly, it’s because Tulane is full of bad bikers:

• No one abides by the “stay on the right side of the road” rule.
• No one abides by the “pass on the left” rule.
• No one abides by the “pedestrians have the right of way” rule.
• No one abides by the “if you can’t bike, here is not the place to learn” rule.

Let’s meet a few bikers and their tragic flaws. I’ll start with myself.

Taylor Selembo, dysfunctional biker

“I can’t bike in a straight line, and my brakes don’t work very well. If I don’t have two hands on the handle bars at all times I will fall over. Sometimes I fall over anyways.”

Anne Moore, incompetent biker

“Trust me, I hate when I bike as much as you hate when I bike.”

Avery Kravitz, reckless biker

“Get out of my way!”

 Angelika Robertson, angry biker

“These f***ing people with f***ing headphones got in my way. What was I supposed to do? Whoops.” 

Oh, and walking is hard too. Mostly because Tulane is full of bad walkers:

• Yet again, no one abides by the “stay on the right side of the road” rule.
• No one abides by the unspoken “look up from your phone and watch where you’re walking” rule.
• No one abides by the unspoken “whoever is bigger and coming directly at you at a high speed might need you to move” rule.  

Just listen to these guys.

Nicole Hasbrouck, confused walker

“I never know whether to keep walking or stop and let them go in front of me to avoid being hit…but I almost get hit daily.”

Michelle Martin, hesitant street-crosser

“I am so bad at crossing streets. I have terrible timing.”

 Anna Ramsey, prefers to be a ‘sitter’

“I’ve gotten three concussions from walking into walls.”

And there you have it Tulane – this is why we are not a biking campus. For the sake of both walkers and bikers, we should make helmets cool again.