How to pretend you’re rich

The American Dream isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Turns out that getting rich is a lot harder than the movies might have you believe, and unless you want to bite the bullet and get hit by a Lexus, you’re probably going to have to work pretty hard for your money.

For us millennials, the Lexus route is certainly viable, but we’ve also learned a new way to deal with not being as wealthy as we’d like.

Fucking faking it.

Real ho vs. fake ho

I mean, would you let the girl on the left into a nice restaurant? That’s why I’ve learned the art of faking it, especially when it comes to pretending I fit in at upperclass establishments.

And since I’m such a giving and generous person, I’ve decided to share some of my tricks with you.

Walk in like you own the damn place

I’m talking shoulders back, don’t make eye contact with anyone, nose in the air, the whole enchilada. The more noise you can have your steps make, the better. Swing your purse around wildly and pretend to be on the phone.

Look vaguely bored, but also VERY important.

Act like you’ve been wherever you are a million times before and that everyone should know exactly who you are.

Pretending I’ve been to the spa at the Four Seasons every weekend since birth

Dress the part

The fancier you look, the less questions you’ll be asked. Wear your most expensive duds, or at least the clothes you own that look the most expensive.

Accessories are key, so pull out that knockoff Prada. I’ve found bright lipstick tends to help, so if you don’t have lizard lips like me, swipe it on.

Own your look, bitch

If you get caught, just walk out

Arguably the most important rule.

If you’re somewhere you’re not supposed to be (sneaking into rooftop pools at hotels is really too easy) and you get caught, apologize and just leave.

Not worth starting a fight.

If you don’t have to swipe a key card to get up there, it’s like they WANT you to sneak in

Enjoy pretending you’re rich! And FYI, if you go the Lexus route, tuck and roll.

You’ll thank me.