Going to Catholic school made me less religious

The core values I got from my Catholic education gave me ideas that actually changed the way I viewed my faith and the people around me. The transition from private to public school in college also was a pretty big culture shock, which turned out to be a good thing. I’m satisfied with my perspective on faith at the moment, but knowing life, my views will continue to change – who knows what future me will be thinking.

Oh, Catholic school. I went to one of those k-8 grade schools with a huge Church and an attempt at a courtyard (basically a parking lot with basketball hoops). Those were the days – plaid skirts, scary teachers, and reciting Church responses.

Don’t mind my bowl cut

I was baptized just before entering kindergarten. It was my mom’s choice, though I was excited because she made it seem special. I was never an avid Church-goer or trusted every word in the Bible, but I still believed in the very basic principle of Catholicism: God loved me. I felt that love and used this concept to comfort me throughout my elementary school days.

Going to a Catholic elementary school in San Francisco, you would think that it would be more liberal. It wasn’t too terrible, but it was still relatively conservative. Only a few people were non-Catholic, so when it came down to receiving the sacrament of Confirmation, I did it because I didn’t want to feel left out.

Obviously, there were high and low points throughout my grammar school years (pretty sure I repressed like 80% of my middle school memories). When I was miserable in 7th grade, I turned to God because I grew up with the knowledge that He would love me unconditionally. I prayed to Him everyday and talked to Him like a friend. However, it was a one-way conversation.

As much as I asked Him when I would be happy again, it eventually felt like my words weren’t reaching anyone. I realized that just praying and crying into my pillow wouldn’t get me anywhere, but I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t have the energy to both question my religion and reinvent myself. I should’ve reflected more on another key aspect of my religion: “Faith without works is dead” (James 2:17). However, I was still young and couldn’t fully grasp that concept.

Although I had the foundation for thinking independently from my religion, I didn’t have the resources to make my own ideas on faith.

Peep ya girl sitting on the far left

Enter Jesuit high school. Honestly, I absolutely loved my time there. I had lots of friends, the teachers were inspirational and caring, the educational value and sports teams were ace, and the campus was nice. The Jesuits are basically the male congregation of the Catholic Church, and the Jesuit mentality is seen to be way more liberal than other aspects of Catholicism. My school felt like it had a healthy and vibrant community of faith, but this was when I felt the most conflict about my religious identity.

“What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works?” (James 2: 14).

In my high school, we were taught to treat others with love and respect – the main Jesuit value that we always came back to was that we are men “with and for others.” Our lives were all about service and putting others first, and that words without action would amount to nothing, hence the quote from James 2:14. What use is having faith in something when you don’t put any effort? You can have faith that you will get an A in a class; you won’t get attain that goal if you don’t study. You can have faith that the really hot girl in your class you’ve never talked to will suddenly start liking you; that’s definitely not going to happen, but there’s even a lesser chance when you sit back and don’t do anything. I then began to think, I don’t need to have faith in God to do good works–I need to have faith in people.

Personally, it did not matter whether or not God existed anymore. I wanted to put my trust and belief in the people around me, rather than some unknown entity.

I thoroughly enjoyed all the faith aspects of my Jesuit education; we had amazing retreats, periods of reflection (examen) every Tuesday, and liturgies every Friday morning. I was conflicted – I no longer believed in a loving God, but I enjoyed the practices and the loving environment that my peers and teachers provided me with. I referred to myself as “technically Catholic,” but I wasn’t quite sure where I fit in. I just continued to receive the Eucharist in Church, make the sign of the cross, and say “Amen.”

And here I am, at a public university. UC Davis was the exact opposite of my ideal college; I initially wanted to attend a small, private institution. But wow, I’ve been exposed to so much more than I would have otherwise. I was surprised to find that not everyone knows basic Jesus facts.

An actual conversation I had:

Friend: “So, why was Jesus burned at the stake?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean nailed to the cross?”

We laughed and I know what she meant to say, but still it was hilariously shocking. I’ve met all kind of people here from different religions, races, countries – everyone has a different background. But meeting other people of faith made me think of how I’m using fluff when describing my faith as a defense mechanism.

I realized I could not affiliate myself with religion anymore.

Sure, I was baptized and confirmed. The “technically Catholic” status gives me the ability to flip flop between my Catholic and agnostic identities – I cater my responses to the people I’m speaking to. I wanted to be part of something, and being agnostic felt like I wouldn’t be provided with that sense of community anymore. However, it feels like I’m doing a disservice to those who actually believe in God, to the people who actually identify with religion. I was just too scared to distance myself from Catholicism, something I’ve been with for 16 years.

I’m still in the process of figuring out how to identity myself. Though I don’t affiliate myself with the Church anymore, I find that some of the core principles are essential to living a full life. I respect those who believe in God and those who don’t, as long as they respect me as well. But for now, I believe this: God is the foundation that holds down some people’s core moral values and helps them want to do good. Whatever makes people act better and serve others is fine with me. I don’t think God is necessarily entirely evil or entirely good, which is the same way I think about people.

It’s our choice in what we put our faith in, and I want to have faith in people.