Why it’s okay to be clueless in your 20s

Besides lying in bed and diddling around on my computer all day, I am attempting to have a relatively smooth college experience. It’s the way I cope with life’s looming presence as I attempt to suppress the anxiety that stems from my upcoming deadlines and midterms.

“What am I doing?” is a question I am constantly asking myself. I usually like to play things safe; the world is scary, people are scary, and human interaction is scary, so to take a step out of my bubble is sort of terrifying. Of course, I do it anyway, that whole stepping out of my comfort zone thing. I value self-growth and progress, so I force myself to shuffle out of my house and into The Real World so I can do something with my life.

What do I want to do with my life? Ah, wait, I still don’t know. There’s that again.

It’s difficult being in college and not having a passion. When I was but a wee little 12-year-old, I absolutely lived for science and math. I loved playing piano, I loved reading, I loved life, and I thrived by working hard and having the results pay off. However, my interests began to fade.

I don’t know when the transition started, but I started to loose that fire that many people describe as passion. For some years now, I have felt constantly burnt out, and it’s difficult for me to motivate myself. I enjoy things, but not to the level where my determination and strive for success sets me on flames of motivation.

I like English, which is why I chose to major in it, but I’m not a die-hard literary junkie. In class, I always feel like my classmates are way ahead of me and that I’m always playing catch up, constantly feeling left behind.

Family, friends, and advisors have always told me, “You’re young! Don’t worry, you still have time.” I know I am young, but the reality is that my time is running out. I just hit the big 2-0, the good ol’ twen-tay. No longer in my teenage years, I’m forced to acknowledge the fact that I’m an adult (I’m not an adult I swear! Yeah, I’m still in denial).

I need to decide what I want to do in college and for the rest of my life, and the pressure is kind of overwhelming. I know that I enjoy helping others. I should apply that to my future, I suppose. I don’t know what direction to take though, since I am not super talented in one area or super passionate about a certain subject.

No matter how much time I have, I will always feel the anxiety of the unknown and the pressures of deciding what to do with my life.

It’s hard when you’re unsure of your own identity. There’s no set definition of who you are, what you like, or why you do the things you do. If anyone is flailing through the same life struggles as me, kudos to you because life is confusing and hard. The most I can say is to keep moving forward – I mean, I’m not sure if even I’m going in the right direction, but just take a step somewhere.

If it turns out to be a mistake, then great! Have some fun with it, and just keep messing up until you get somewhere. I know that sounds terrible, but everything’s a learning experience (this is me convincing myself that my own mistakes are okay so I don’t crawl into a hole forever). Be apathetic, be passionate, or be terrified; just pick up your feet and keep moving.