The Union foods I’d go to jail for
I would do hard time for their pizza. Well actually like a soft hour
The recent viral video of UConn Husky Luke Gatti getting arrested over a drunken quest to get mac ‘n’ cheese has had me pondering life’s important questions.
Those questions being: what foods from the Student Union Marketplace are worth going to jail over?
And if any are incarceration worthy, how much jail time would I be willing to do for them?
Pompeii Oven
The chicken parm grinder is a classic go-to option. As far as chicken parms go, it is certainly above average, although I have had better chicken parms that I would rather go to jail for.
I think due to its balance between convenience and taste I would certainly consider going to jail for at least a few hours for this sandwich.
My friend Pavan indulging in a chicken parm sub
The pizza is nothing particularly special, although it is the cheapest meal option at the Union, and the slice sizes certainly offer a more than healthy portion. Because I am a poor college student who does not like to cook his own food, I would do hard time for their pizza. Well actually like a soft hour, with a nice couch and some pretzels.
The Good Earth
The Good Earth is the Union’s health food option offering mostly salads and wraps. If you had asked me this time last year if I would go to jail for a Good Earth wrap I would have said yes, but sometime in the past year something tragic happened: they changed the type of red peppers they use.
The red peppers used to be normal, crunchy red peppers but now they’re way too soft and they don’t mix into the wrap like they used to. Who the hell wants these gooey peppers ruining their crunchy wraps by being all mushy and gross?
Give the people what they want Union, I’m not going to jail for your peppers.
No one’s going to jail for vegetables, Good Earth
Freshens Smoothies
The only way I would go to jail for a Freshens smoothie would be if I didn’t have a ride to Jamba Juice and was really hungover. Which actually seems like a pretty likely scenario. So yeah, I guess I’d do time for a Freshens smoothie.
Tostada Grill
I would spend up to two weeks in jail for anything at Tostada Grill. To be clear, I would not spend two weeks in a regular jail, but rather an Orange Is The New Black style minimum-security jail, getting into a series of comical and dramatic situations while making familial bonds with the other women in the prison.
I wish I could quit you. I mean Tostada not that guy staring at me
Fireside Rotisserie
Fireside Rotisserie is the home of the Union’s infamous mac ‘n’ cheese.
Many of Uconn’s students have been quick to demonize Gatti and point out his faults while ignoring the fact the Union’s mac ‘n’ cheese is very good. Say what you will about him, the guy has great taste.
While the plain mac ‘n’ cheese may not be worth going to jail for I, I would go to jail for jalapeño bacon mac cheese. For two to three days.
It’s hard out there for a Union dealing with a skyrocketing demand for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’d like to thank Luke Gatti for this opportunity to reflect upon the food in my life, and for introducing us all to jalapeño mac and cheese. You truly are a hero.