UMass gang rape case reminds us that we still don’t get it

Last week, three of four men accused of the 2012 gang rape of a UMass student have been sentenced to 8-12 years in prison.

Four men were allowed into Pierpont Hall, entered the victim’s room while she was extremely intoxicated and raped her multiple times. The victim has also filed suit against the university, the RA on duty, and the security monitor.

One of the men stayed with the victim to comfort her after the others left. And raped her a fourth time.

The defense of each now convicted rapist consisted of finger pointing, bringing up the victim’s level of intoxication, questions about what a rape victim does and doesn’t do,  and changing stories each time a new account was presented against the defendant.

The defense argued that a “rapist” doesn’t stay with his victim to tell her she’s “beautiful” afterwards.

And yet, that is what trial has determined that he is.

The arguments made at the trial – and the thinly veiled victim-blaming that they seem to represent – suggest once again that our society’s understanding of rape isn’t quite as clear as we might assume.

So in light of October being Domestic Violence Awareness month, perhaps the basics bear repeating.

A rape by definition is unlawful sexual activity carried out against a person’s will, under the threat of violence or injury, or with a person who is under the age of consent.

That means it is considered rape if one party does not consent. It is rape if one party has consented, and then changes their mind, but the act is carried out anyway. It is rape if one party has consented to one activity and not another, but the other happens anyway.

Rape occurs if one party is unable to consent. This includes, but is not limited to, when a person is underage, a person is too intoxicated or not in full control of his or her actions, or a person does not have the mental capacity to consent to sex.

If a person doesn’t remember the assault taking place or was unconscious during it – it is rape.

If a person at any point during the act says “no”, “stop”, “don’t”, or any other word meaning thus, but the act continues anyway – it is rape.

If a person is coerced into having sex – it is rape.

If the parties used to date, are friends, were or are married, or have had sex before but all parties do not consent – also rape.

If a person feared for their safety and therefore did not verbally say “no” or did not physically resist despite not wanting the sexual contact – still rape.

A rape occurs when sex or sexual acts take place without full consent of all parties involved. Therefore, if less than all parties have agreed to every aspect of sexual acts or intercourse, if less than all parties are physically, legally, and mentally able to consent to sexual activity, then it is reasonable to believe a rape has occurred.

And if there is any question about any or all of those conditions, by all means, ask. Ask your partner. Ask your hookup. Ask the being you are about to engage in sweet, sweet fornication with, until there is no question, no hesitation, and full participation.

And for the love of all that is holy. If the answer to the question “Do you want to have sex with me?”, at any point, is NO…

Don’t. Have. Sex.

I’m tired of it. You are tired of it. We are all sick and tired of hearing a variation of “He/she was asking for it” as a line of defense when someone is sexually assaulted.

While, as an American citizen, I believe everyone accused of a crime deserves the right to a fair trial and competent defense lawyer, sitting and listening to victim-blaming arguments regarding sexual assault makes my blood boil.

The absurdity of a defense residing on “She was drunk!” as even a singular talking point is not lost on the apparent majority of decent human beings, and yet it is one we still have yet to retire.

No survivor of something so awful as a rape should ever have to go through the torturous thought process of wondering what he or she did wrong that allowed someone to commit such a heinous act against them. No one asks to be murdered. No one asks to be the victim of theft. And no one asks to be raped.

Consent is not the absence of a ‘NO’, but the presence of a ‘YES’.

There are links to both the rape self-defense training offered by the UMPD and the Rape Crisis Services offered by the fabulous Center for Women & Community.

Wishing you peace, love, and consensual intercourse.

Here’s a fun little video about Tea and consent. Worth a watch, worth a giggle.