What your favorite Amherst bar says about you
Are you a Harp or a Monkey Bar?
In the same way that UMass residential areas have personalities, so do Amherst bars. When planning a night out with friends we base everything from what to pregame with to what to wear off of which bar or bars we will be going to.
So, which bar will you be going to tonight? Let us help you decide.
Monkey Bar
Monkey Bar is the guy living down the hall who is super keen on amping everybody up to go out. But tonight things are different. Tonight he’s not looking to go to a frat. He’s looking to live a bit larger.
That’s right. He’s hitting up the freakin’ Monkey Bar. Tonight is his night. Who knows. Maybe he’ll even get a few slices of Antonio’s on the way home. He is unstoppable. He has doused himself in a bottle and a half of Axe spray, and it’s not going to waste. Oh yeah. He’s splurging on an Uber for the boys.
But as the night rolls on things take a turn for the worse. After waiting outside in the frigid February air for about 15 minutes, he is finally greeted by a bouncer who demands 14 forms of ID as well as an original birth certificate. He makes it inside but his crew is out of sight.
After grabbing a beer he looks across the bar and spots them waiting for the back room to open up, but it’s too crowded to reach them, so he waits from afar. When he’s finally let in the DJ is blasting Fetty Wap and the girl he’s finally convinced to dance with him leaves promptly when summoned to the bathroom by her best friend.
He returns home cold, sad, lonely, and with only a plain slice because Antonio’s was fresh out of chicken-bacon-ranch. And another Friday is in the books.
Amherst Coffee
Amherst Coffee is the stylish English grad student you’ve had a crush on all semester, but never gotten up the courage to talk to. He prefers his coffee black and his wine red. He has a deep appreciation for classical music and art, but claims to not understand “all of that modern crap.”
He did his undergrad at a small college in Vermont you’ve probably never heard of, and he even dabbled in veganism for a short bit of his sophomore year. He’s totally dreamy.
He wears funky socks and fitted jeans, and still calls his mother twice a week. He’s all about the shirt and tie, but on a Sunday you will see him sporting a stylish flannel. He hasn’t showered in five months but it’s fine, the no-poo trend is totally in right now.
You can find him at his favorite haunt any Tuesday morning reading Proust and rolling his own cigarettes. So, if you’re wondering how to impress him, stop by Amherst Books and try reading at one of AC’s high top tables instead of at the library for a change.
It’s likely he won’t budge until evening when the alcohol comes out anyway, so that he might balance his obsessive caffeine intake with a drink. Ask him to join you for a hot toddy! He’ll be impressed with your forward nature and knowledgeable self.
Hangar Pub & Grill
The Hangar is your high school football coach who had dreams of going pro, but never quite made the cut.
Don’t get me wrong. His life isn’t bad, it’s just not quite what he had expected it to be. He has a wife he loves, and kids he tolerates. But he didn’t want a wife and kids. He wanted strippers and sports cars. Instead he has a minivan and vacation house on the Jersey Shore.
A night out on the town means a night out at the local bar with various other suburban sports dads, But he wouldn’t have it any other way. He’ll always offer to buy a round for everyone, but he’s choosing the booze. None of that tequila crap.
All in all he’s a proud man who is content with where he has landed in life. But a content man can still dream, right?
Stackers
Stackers is your funny uncle who always gets a little bit too drunk at family functions. He can’t help it though! He came here to have fun.
He’s notorious for slipping shots to his almost-of-age nieces and nephews, so you’re going to want to be on his good side. He’s all about everyone enjoying themselves as much as he is enjoying himself, so sometimes he seems like a bit much.
But remember, he’s doing it because he loves you. Let him take as many family pics as he wants, and don’t make him drop you off around the corner when you’re meeting your friends. One day you will look back and appreciate how truly unique he was.
His favorite drink is an old fashioned which pairs perfectly with his weekly cigar. Luckily this bar has a sitting area out back, so he can enjoy all of his vices at once.
The Harp Irish Pub
The Harp is your high school friend who, despite her yearbook superlative of “Broadway-bound,” never made it any further than being cast as a chorus girl in the local production of Shrek The Musical. But it’s okay. She doesn’t regret majoring in performance art. It was a good idea.
Luckily, the this bar hosts karaoke nights so she can still get that performance rush she loves so much. And on top of that, she can get her groove on at Trivia night every Thursday.
If you can’t love your job, you can at least love your local bar. It’s called work because it’s work. But she’ll always have a solid fan base here. Even if it’s just a few drunk old men and their significantly younger girlfriends. As long as they’ll buy her a beer at the end of her set, what more can a girl want?
You can be sure to catch her letting her hair down here every evening at 5pm on the dot. And if you’re really lucky you might even catch her last chorus of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.”
High Horse
The High Horse is your trendy friend from “right outside of New York City” who always dresses a little better than you, and always has stories that are a little more interesting that yours. If you saw girls as competition you would totally hate her, but you’re not like that. You love and support all ladies. Even if they are cooler, and smarter, and trendier, and funnier and funkier. . . sorry.
Anyway, the point is she’s great. She has an endless front of money even though she only had a job at the local coffee shop for three and a half weeks before quitting, and she vacations in places like Cabo.
She’s the life of the party and she knows all the hip bands. She’s never nervous or awkward. SHE IS SO ANNOY-I mean greaaaaaaat!