A revolting beverage-less epidemic is spreading across campus

I bet you thought that out of all the treacherous places at this school – Rec Center, Philips Street, Pierpont, etc. – the one place that might still offer shelter from the scary outside world is your local DC.

When your exam grades are half what you expected, you lose your UCard for the umpteenth time, and you’re the victim of yet another bicycle hit-and-run, you can always drown your sorrows in the dank dishes that UMass serves.

There’s something about our dining commons that has always made sense. Until now.

This man got caught slippin so hard he fell ill and is now deceased.

It has recently come to light that a growing number of students at UMass frequently dine without a beverage. This trend is utterly shocking and poses a threat not only to public health on campus, but also to the reputation of UMass as a whole.

To get caught slippin’ without a bev is to completely disregard centuries of scientific and political progress, not to mention that it is a dry slap in the face to UMass Dining, which consistently offers a plethora of tasty, exotic bevs.

CAUGHT SLIPPIN’

If you had enough time to open up your phone and blow through your last remaining swipes on Tinder, you had enough time to at least pour yourself a glass of cucumber-infused water.

You’re never going to match with a baddie if it’s evident from your profile that you’re the type to go bev-less (yeah, they can tell). Get your priorities straight. 

Game, set, caught slippin.

If you’re one of the three people at UMass who worry that drinking alongside a meal will cause you some digestive trouble, have no fear.

According to mayoclinic.org, one of the internet’s most reputable sources of mealtime information, “there’s no concern that water will dilute the digestive juices or interfere with digestion. In fact, drinking water during or after a meal actually aids digestion. Water and other liquids help break down food so that your body can absorb the nutrients.”

So I ask you, dutiful diner, would you rather get your all your essential nutrients, or get absolutely roasted by everyone you know when they catch you slippin?

When the bev hits you just right

It’s not hard. We all learned how to match a meal with a bev before we even got around to potty training. So let’s be civil human beings and bev ourselves properly.

And of course, if you should catch someone slippin’, do them and the rest of us a favor and expose them mercilessly on whatever form of social media seems most appropriate. 

Just, please – don’t get caught slippin’.