All the lies tour guides tell incoming students
We have to convince students to come here somehow
Being a tour guide, you get the privilege of telling people about why and how awesome your university is.
We are one of the few influences on a high school senior when they make their college decision. No pressure right? Wrong.
It’s because of this pressure why we tell you what you and your parents want to hear. “The freshman dorms were so awesome,” said no one ever. My freshman year I had the closet space for an elf to fit her entire wardrobe in.
Every tour starts the same: “Hi I’m a sophomore, I am majoring blah blah with minors in blah and blah. I am from Wyckoff, NJ and the Jonas Brothers are from my town.” I get a little chuckle but most people think I am lying.
We then start the tour. I immediately get questions from parents asking about the safety of the campus or why I chose UM or even why there are dogs on campus. We have a university police department, it’s on campus and I bring my dog to class.
Miami weather is always sunny and beautiful
LIE. This is probably a great photo of UM everyone always sees. What you don’t see is earlier that morning it was down pouring. The weather in Miami is like a temperamental teenager who doesn’t know whether she wants pizza or chocolate. The weather can go to 88 degrees and sunny to 62 degrees and pouring.
The pool is an amazing campus feature
Not a total lie… Parents and potential students love our pool, I mean who else has a pool on campus where you can sit out and tan while getting a taco or queso from Lime.
The swimmers and divers think the students go to the pool to watch them, when in reality the pool is like the gym in the sense it is not a judge free zone. The pool is a place for girls to flirt and guys to show off their new bods. Definitely not something tour guides tell parents though…
“The freshman dorms were so awesome”
Every time I walk a tour group into the show room every parent laughs and every potential student’s jaw drops. Yes the beds are literally five feet away from one another and there is a communal bathroom.
I tell them it’s fine and you meet some great people on your floor. In reality it’s so easy for you to get sick quickly and you must wear shower shoes or else you will get some sort of infection on your foot.
The parents are in shock at how “spacious” this was compared to when they went to college and their kids are now realizing their freshman living situation will suck.
The freshman laundry rooms are super helpful…
Said no ever.
Hold on to your socks, literally. For some reason people love to steal socks or old t-shirts from the freshman laundry room. Parents love the idea of their kids doing their own laundry but, in the end they’re paying for new clothes.
Parents love when I tell them they don’t have to pay extra for laundry like they did in the 1900’s and there’s an app to tell you when your laundry is done. The thing is people will literally wait for your laundry to be done and just take it out of the washer or drier immediately.
So when you go to pick it up, it’s either on the floor or on some washer and you lost a sock.
The dining hall food really isn’t that bad
The dining hall is open to everyone who has a meal plan on campus or you can pay like a crazy person to eat there. The only time the food is decent are the first two weeks of school so students can tell their parents how great the food options really are.
Yes there are really cool chairs and there are TVs but, it’s one way the university tries to cover up how bad the food is. On the tour I tell people of the amazing food options (ew) and how you can also go to the cafeteria on campus.
I would much rather spend my money at the cafeteria than at the dining hall because of how nasty that food is.
The Rat is one of the best places on campus
Okay this is not a lie, but tour guides can’t straight up tell the incoming students how to drink in public. It’s no secret The Rat is one of UM’s perks.
The kicker is that you have to be 21 in order to drink at The Rat but do we listen? Come on it’s Miami!
People order soda and bring a flask with them in order to celebrate with all of their 21 year old friends or just to pregame while eating some amazing food.
Our gym is a judgement free zone
Everyone is always amazed by our wellness center and they should be. It is an amazing facility but, it also feeds into the stereotype of people in Miami.
Everyone is always getting fit in Miami. Literally there are always frat guys in muscle tanks lifting weights and “getting big.”
Meanwhile, the girls at the gym judge you if you don’t have a cute gym outfit on or if you are wearing makeup. I literally do neither one and go for the mom style of not matching while wearing Asics.
Our library is spacious and you can get all your work done
When we get to the library on the tour people love the walkway leading up the place where most people go insane.
I tell them how spacious it is and how it gets quiet as you go up the floors.
Meanwhile it is a battle to get a seat anywhere in the library, especially on the quiet floors. The library is a battlefield where you need a friend so they can protect your seat while you use the bathroom or go on a quick Starbucks run to ease your mind.