The life cycle of a passive aggressive girl fight

‘Hide your CRAZY and start acting like a lady’

We all know that it’s rare to spot a cat fight in the wild.

A public sighting of girl-on-girl combat will start rumors that spread like wildfire… or end up a in a viral video of plastic nails, earrings, and hair extensions flying off of a frat house elevated surface (RIP BETA).

Two dudes swinging away at each other is basic, accepted, the norm. Girls, however, have to be sly to avoid being labeled as psychos with anger management issues.

Bottle up the anger, keep the poise, and stealthily sabotage any and all enemies by feeding them under cover high calorie snacks.

If it works on Regina George it will work on anyone.

The hatred boils when the enemy is near, but fake friendships will continue with wide smiles and cheery group pictures.

The worst part though, is that the girl you’re pissed off might act EVEN NICER to you than usual.

You’ll also, without a doubt,  run into each other 100X more than you used to.

The passive aggressive comments kick in on the down low…

“How are you doing?”

TRANSLATION

“I’m scared of you but we are awkwardly near each other in this Wesley apartment pregame, so I feel forced to speak to you.”

“Fine.”

TRANSLATION

“Apologize to me slut”.

This will, no doubt, lead to an eventual blow up where all the pent up anger and frustration that’s built up over time explodes.

However, all venting of the truth only happens with best friends, behind closed doors, over a  late-night, munchie-mart pint of ice cream.

You can explain how the totally uncalled for group text your number was excluded from resulted in you missing two new inside jokes AND a key night out with your crew at Cabana. It’s also the perfect time to dish out the truth about the hoe who tried (and failed) to steal your man behind your back.

“Got your dirty green eyes on my man, and your faking like you’re my best friend…”

Girl please, he showed me the triple texts you sent him.

The good news is that your girls will have your back. They’ll sweep in and save you from the awkward Rand cafeteria conversation, following up with a comment on how shabby that girl’s janky dress looked last night at Tin Roof.

Now as much as I wish typical behind each other’s back, poser conversations weren’t the norm, girl fights have been forced into a corner by the unfair stigma that females should keep their composure. If a girl requested to duke-it-out rather than yell-it-out…she would be banned from society and every Vandy student would black list her. But let’s be real.

No one likes to just talk through an argument. You don’t see guys just yelling back and forth at each other when someone gets pissed off. They push and shove or throw shit.

Girls, in order to avoid the public argument that would lead to a slap off youtube sensation, assume their passive aggressive positions and prepare for silent, polite, hidden combat.

Don’t mess with our friends or you’ll have to deal with us.

Basically doing nothing: the exact thing passive aggressive arguments ever accomplish.

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