Wake Forest University saved my life

“I worry about you going away to school.”

Words.  Words that echoed in my mind every day since my father first said them to me my junior year of high school.

You see, I was never the type of girl to stand out.  In middle school and high school I was always the quiet friend.  I was always in a friend group, but nobody other than my friends really knew much about me.  I was the girl in class that you would never notice was absent.  I was closed off.  I was afraid.

My mother passed away in 2008 after a lengthy battle with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.  I didn’t know a life other than the one that I had.  I didn’t know that I could be ever be happy without her.  I didn’t know how I would survive – but I wasn’t ready to grieve.

I moved in with my father and transferred middle schools.  Food was how I coped.  The weight of the feelings that I refused to address was reflected in the weight I gained.  40 pounds heavier, I had no real relief.  I thought that I should try something new.

Freshman year of high school was when I began restricting, checking the calories in boiled eggs, peanut butter, clementines.

Everything that I did revolved around my next meal.  Where would I be?  Would I have to bring food?  Would I be in a restaurant?  Do they have a menu online?  Calorie count?  Or will I have to look every ingredient up individually?  Who will I be with and will they notice?  How soon could I be home to weigh myself?  And the list went on.

Junior year was when it got really bad.  I discovered that purging made it all easier.  I could eat whatever I wanted and have no consequences on my weight.  I lied.  I lied a lot.  Countless trips to the store around the corner from my house to use the restroom when someone was home.  Blasting music in my room to disguise my sobs.  Weighing myself after everything I put in my mouth.  I stopped drinking water because it weighed too much.  I survived each day on nothing.  I pushed everyone away because I couldn’t stand the thought of being in a situation where I would have to eat something.  I couldn’t cope.

November 3rd, 2014 is the day that things changed.

As I walked down to the mailbox I had a feeling like, “Today is the day.  Today I’m going to find out if I got in.”  Seconds later, with the big envelope in hand, I sat at the end of the driveway in hysterical tears.  I saw a future for myself.  A future so beautiful that it would have been selfish to throw it away because of my eating disorder.

Things started changing, slowly, but surely.  I gained weight.  I ate more and smiled more and worried less, but the feelings were still there.

In August, I arrived at Wake Forest. I got to college, and I got scared.  I worried, and I worried a lot about what my next meal would be and how I would be able to cope with not knowing exactly what I’m putting into my mouth at the dining halls. But, there are no words to describe the overwhelming happiness, comfort, and support that I have felt since then.

The Wake Forest community is one of endless support.  The challenges, the victories, and the experiences I have had here have built me up and given me the confidence to see the bright future that lies ahead of me. The supportive community has shown me that I have value and purpose, and that it would be a shame to waste it all.

So, I’d like to say thank you.  Thank you to each and every person that I’ve met on this campus – best friends, friends, acquaintances, professors, people who just smile and say hi when you pass them on the quad.  Thank you to the first friend here that I told, and thank you for reminding me that I need to be healthy to make the difference that I know I can.  Thank you all for making me realize that I mean something to this community and to this world.

Thank you, Wake Forest University.  You saved my life.