How to be a section asshole

Congratulations! Shopping period is over and real school has begun — and with it, sections.

It’s everyone’s favorite weekly 50 minutes of extra class for that lecture that you attend maybe sometimes on occasion once in a while.

Here’s the thing. You’re quiet, likeable, and respect other people’s opinions. Here’s another thing: you definitely have to act the exact opposite, because then you earn the most revered title achievable at this 314-year-old, internationally ranked, Nobel laureate powerhouse of an academic establishment: the section asshole.

Ah, if only it were easy to annoy fifteen other people at the exact same time. We’ve got you covered: here’s our guide on how to be a section asshole.

We even consulted body language expert Susan Constantine to see if there was a science to this.

Begin by adopting this pose

First lesson: invade the personal space of others

Susan Constantine recommends to really get in people’s personal space as a way to assert your dominance.

She says: “Aggressive people tend to lean their torso in, splay their hands, and make rapid movements.

“They also use intimidation tactics such as looking up while tipping their head down, as well as sitting in an ‘action stance’ — sitting with one foot in front of the other.”

Start acting like this and you’re well on your way.

Body language

Banned:
• Tipping your head in acknowledgement of a good point
• Politely smiling

Encouraged:
• Smirking
• Being really dismissive
• Throwing your hands into the air when someone makes a counterpoint
• Side-eyeing as fuck
• Reacting really obviously to what someone else says

Never acknowledge a good point from a classmate

Helpful phrases

These phrases will insult AND belittle at the same time. Use them wisely, and by that we mean use them constantly.

• I find it problematic that
• I’d like to take issue with the fact that
• I find it interesting that
• I found it really compelling that
• I’d like to push back on [fellow section-taker]’s comment
• I’d like to piggy-back on [fellow section-taker]’s comment
• I think somewhere in the reading the author referred to

Make sure everyone knows you did the reading. Have a shit ton of tabs in your book. That part of the book isn’t important? Doesn’t matter, stick a tab in it. Highlight everything. Highlight during section.

Talk about your summer

Make sure to refer to what you did over the summer (your internship in DC or your trip to Cambodia, ideally both) and use THIS wildly dicky phrase to let everyone know how much you overestimate your experience:

“When I was in X, I really got to see the impact of”. This may refer to the Khmer Rouge and genocide, inner government workings and the political process.

Take your obnoxious to the next level with this helpful vocab

• Penultimate
• Expediency
• Nascent
• Impoverished
• Specificity
• Heteronormative
• Binary
• Dissemination
• Facilitation
• Implementation
• Multivariate
• Ramification
• Tangential
• Polarize
• Termination
• Superfluous

Multivariated ramifications

Dress

• No sweatpants — comfort is not acceptable if you want to be the very asshole-iest
• Wear a blazer or a campaign shirt, if the latter, tell everyone where you worked to get it
• Strap on a political wristband. Strap on five political wristbands. The limit does not exist!

Proximity of mouth to TA’s asshole

• Really, really close
• Actually, just human centipede that shit