If each residential college was a student at Yale

We’re supposedly divided into our residential colleges “randomly,” but there are some intercollegiate similarities that are impossible to deny.

From Berkeley to Pierson to Saybrook, each college has its own distinct personality, so we’ve decided to bring them to life. To be honest, most of them sound like the worst.

Berkeley

Berkeley is the kid who got into Yale because they’re “well-rounded.” They’re nice but not boring, good looking but not intimidatingly good looking, and smart but not pretentious. You do you, Berkeley.

Calhoun

Hey, Calhoun is just happy to be here. They’re the IM team captains who paint their faces for every game, even though they’ve come in last place three years straight.

Pierson

Where the hell is Pierson? You’ll never know unless you live with them. Pierson is a complete mystery to everyone outside of their closest group of friends. All you know is they actually choose to eat in a mental hospital.

Davenport

Davenport is a Greek life legend. They’ve been to every tailgate this season, but haven’t watched a single game. Davenport has only missed one Woads in their entire Yale career, and that’s only because they got too drunk at the pregame and PTFO’d on the floor of their friend’s bathroom.

Branford

Branford is the most vanilla student you will meet on this campus. They have been known to plug their ears during The Game and wish that they could could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy (if you don’t get that reference, you can’t sit with us).

JE

Just some light reading.

JE is seventh generation Yale and, trust me, they’re going to let you know. They only got in because their parents donated a few million bucks to get the new residential colleges named after them. It didn’t work.

JE tried to walk on to crew team when they got to Yale, but got cut because they thought “port” was a type of wine. Their daddy paid the school to add another spot to the roster, but they still didn’t make the team.

Morse and Stiles

Morse and Stiles are the siblings who are constantly having an identity crisis. Which one is older? Who cares? They look exactly the same (but insist they don’t see the resemblance). They’re both student-athletes – Morse kills it on the soccer field and Stiles is the quarterback of the football team – and will be rocking the groutfit or the noutfit 9 out of the 10 times you see them.

Silliman

Silliman is tall and statuesque, but kind of an aloof bitch. Though they’re so beautiful, they’re almost always forgotten about because ya girl don’t have time for that attitude.

TD

No one understands why TD chose Yale. They’re the super hipster kid who is perfectly fine living so far from the rest of campus, because that means they’re closer to Koffee (which is the only place they can study now). TD is the epitome of the ‘my parents don’t understand me’ attitude and have been known to wear beanies and non-prescription glasses from time to time.

Saybrook

#neverforget (I’m talking to you, Saybrook.)

Saybrook shat their pants in front of the entire school freshman year and doesn’t understand why people aren’t over it yet.

Trumbull

If you need a wingman, Trumbull’s got your back. They’re essentially the Millionaire Matchmaker of Screw and eat all of that romantic shit up. But tragically, Trumbull is always the bridesmaid, never the bride. On a typical Friday night, they can be found sobbing in the candlelight as they get drunk off of Andre and watch “Trainwreck.”