Campus is so much better without hoverboards

*The term “hoverboard” is used in the colloquial sense to refer “self-balancing scooters”. We all know they’re not really hoverboards. They’re handle-less segways.

A few weeks ago, hoverboards were banned from campus due to reports that their batteries are prone to explosion. While I would have paid big money to see one of those things catch fire in the middle of Elm Street, I have never seen something as beautiful as a hoverboard-free Yale.

The sidewalks are bumpy.

Those grout lines are just waiting to make you wipe out.

They don’t go off-road

Granted, this one isn’t as topical as it would be any other year. Perhaps the hover boards gods are feeling merciful this winter. However, we here at Yale know that sidewalks are mere suggestions and that the quickest route to class is rarely paved and those things don’t come with snow tires.

Jaywalking is a bad idea on a hoverboard

Yalies also know that crosswalks are social constructs whose only purpose is to inhibit our street-crossing intrepidity. Until they invent a curb-hopping hoverboard (or manmade snow mountain traversing model), you might not want to try outpacing the Elm street motorcycle gangs on it.

The sidewalks are already crowded

Weaving through students with an already foggy sense of traffic patterns is hard enough without adding two wheels into the mix. Get out the way.

You’d have to carry it everywhere

Until Yale installed hoverboard racks (which won’t be anytime soon) you’d be lugging that thing around with you up and down the stairs, and Yale has a lot of stairs.

Can they even get up Science Hill?

The little engine that could.

Even the Yale Shuttle has trouble doing it. I am skeptical that a battery powered self-balancing scooter could do it well. Sounds like a recipe for explosion to me.

You can’t walk with other people

Walking next to someone without continually awkwardly bumping into them is already difficult enough. However, this probably isn’t a problem because if you use a hoverboard to get to class you aren’t likely to have many friends anyway.