Tesco has launched an avocado spread

Life is hard and time is limited. It is limited on both a grand, cosmic level, and in a more quotidian sense. For example, you can’t be fucking about with a job you don’t care for, or in a relationship that is sapping your energy; you also literally do not have time to cut up your avocado and spread it on some bread. You’re so busy.

Tesco can’t do much about the former, but every little helps, so it’s launched an avocado spread. You might still hate your job and despise your boyfriend, but you have saved five minutes. You are golden.

It is intended for spreading on bread instead of butter or margarine; it contains 24 per cent avocado. It also contains rapeseed oil and palm oil. It provides both vitamins A and D, and Omega 3. It costs £1.20 for a 250g tub.

It is dairy-free, so is suitable for vegans and vegetarians (so is normal avocado btw). And granted, it contains less saturated fat, calories and salt when compared to butter.

And arguably, the avocado spread is not as silly as Marks & Spencer’s ready sliced avocado in a plastic casing, holding a few slivers of avocado sprinkled with a herb. This was basically pointless as the avocado comes with a natural casing – namely its skin. At least this spread is experimenting with texture and format, or something.

But I doubt it’s worth it.  An early report indicates that it “looks just like normal margarine and has a very similar texture” and that it does not “taste wildly different from conventional spreads”. It concludes that “it is definitely no substitute for avocado on toast”.

Margarine has a flavour: margarine. Just have a normal avocado, or have some margarine. Just stop.