Everything you need to know about having a threesome

Have you ever been in a threesome before?

Eleven per cent of those who filled out our sex survey claimed to have taken part in one –– so nearly everyone can only imagine what it’s like.

For most of us, having sex with two people at the same time will always be something which exists in mythical realms like house parties that get really good just after you’ve left or Made in Chelsea.

Still, just in case you ever find yourself there, we spoke to two very different professional sexperts about how to actually have one. Here’s everything you wanted to know about threesomes but were too afraid to ask.

The Great British Sexpert Rebecca Dakin

Sexpert Denise Knowles

Plan ahead and know your boundaries

The Great British Sexpert Rebecca Dakin reckons you should approach the fabled threesome with caution.

“It really needs to be explored fully first and if the couple have limited sexual experience  it can be a really big deal.

“Boundaries are important, but they have to be changeable. You might say it’s OK if you suck his cock but not have sex with him, but then when it’s happening they might not like it and want it to stop.

“Be aware, you should have a safe word. If they want to try something new, there are plenty of things you can do to spice things up first.

“The way to start it off could be to going to a lap dancing club together. Just go and watch, then the next level is you get a dance together. On the next level the female gets a dance on their own, then the man.”

‘Boundaries are important, but they have to be changeable’

Veteran sexpert Denise, who has 25 years of experience in relationship counselling, also says you have to properly think your threesome through.

“Really people need to actually be thinking why it is and what it is they find so alluring about a threesome.

“The couple –– and it’s usually a couple who invites a third person in –– have to talk about the kind of boundaries. That means what you do and don’t find acceptable, so you don’t go into it blind.

“Some couples might have boundaries around kissing, for example. You might say, ‘you can have penetrative sex but I don’t want you kissing anyone’.

“Or maybe penetrative sex is out of bounds and you want to focus more on the kissing and the superficial side of things.

“There can be all sorts of things around boundaries at the time you get down to the sex, if at the end of the day you don’t like it, you have to respect that.”

Can a threesome help your relationship?

Denise advises threesomes can spice up you and your other half’s sex life but not everyone can handle it.

“It can help strengthen a relationship as long as the couple are both willing participants, and they’ve spoken about it and understood what it’s for. You need a depth of understanding and willingness. It can help them feel stronger.

“It has to be something they, not just he or she, agree on together. It can be something which enhances the relationship. But it’s not for everybody and that has to be remembered.

“You also need to think about the consequences, not just if this is going to cause a fracture between us. How am I going to feel about us the next day?”

Rebecca is a little more pessimistic about the effect of diving into a threesome.

“In my experience when people in monogamous relationships go down that route, it doesn’t always work out too well.

“It involves having a very solid relationship to start with, and if the woman is not comfortable, which could destroy the relationship.

“Very often it’s a male fantasy thing going on –– I want two women –– but can you entertain that many?”

Read Rebecca’s personal threesome experience as a former escort.

Be careful about any insecurities

Denise warns if your relationship is on shaky ground, a threesome won’t help.

“There’s one thing to cover everything: when you embark upon a threesome, if there’s any insecurities in the relationship, then a threesome is likely to expose them.

“Say, if you’re thinking, ‘I’m unsure about my own body and another female comes in and has a better body, that insecurity gets flagged up for me’. It might be the same with a chap: ‘how’s my penis going to measure up against his penis?’

“Rather than making it gender specific, what often happens is people’s insecurities are likely to be uncovered in a threesome. A lot of the couples I’ve spoken to say it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. They say things like ‘my partner wasn’t interested but I really enjoyed it.'”

Sexpert Rebecca adds: “Women can be very insecure. If they’re uncertain about a part of their body and somebody else comes along who has got better boobs or a better bum and their partner seems to be enjoying them, it can highlight people’s insecurities.

“If it’s the guy who made the suggestions and they want to progress from a club and go a little further, the woman has to choose the other woman.”

What if you’re drunk?

If you’ve had a night on the booze, says Denise, you’re probably not going to be able to set the rules of the threesome.

“The problem is, if it’s a drunken hook up, you’re not likely to be in a position to talk about those boundaries and remember them.

“The thrill of it might be very exciting, so you might have fewer inhibitions. But when you wake up the next day with three of you in the bed, trying to figure out who did what with who, you might feel bad about it. Then you have to be clear about what happened.”

How do you choose your three in a bed crew?

Should you invite a stranger to get involved in your threesome or ask a trusted friend?

Rebecca says: “If you don’t want to get too attached, booking an escort can make you feel more comfortable.

“There’s no emotional attachment like a friend or somebody who you know, and that can be a way for the woman to feel more in control of the situation.”

Denise agrees: “A lot of people I’ve spoken to say strangers are better. They explain it’s something they were happier about because there was no emotional tie, just a stranger in the room. They were coming for a threesome, it was just this and then out.

“On the other side of the coin, some people said it felt better because they knew the person and accepted them, and wouldn’t say anything anywhere else.

“So there are pros and cons on both sides, it just depends on the individuals and their situation.”

Stay safe

A final note from Denise about safety: “One of the things you have to be really clear about is safe sex. Whether it’s between two men and a woman, a man and two women, whatever, it’s really important to stay safe.

“If it was a drunken encounter after a night out and you find yourself the next day as three in a bed, get yourself checked out.”

Rebecca Dakin is The Great British Sexpert, and you can follow her on Twitter here.

Denise Knowles is a counsellor for relationship charity, Relate.