The Sugar Mill may be a bit crap, but we love it anyway

Oh Sugar, we love to hate you. You look so good, and taste so sweet, but ultimately we know you’re a fake. You’re bad for us, but we’ll always end up coming back for more.

Whether it be for some #MONDAYMAYHEM or our #FRIDAYFIX or even just another #SUGARSATURDAYS. Your names tempt us with promises, which they never live up to.

Monday mayhem? It’s more like #MONDAYMISERY. Especially once it hits June and there are not even the few lost students to disguise the fact that no one is there.

preparing 4 #MONDAYMAYHEM

Yet still we suck up your lies that you’ve got our “Friday fix”. And how could we not? You always offer us our favourite stars. We’ve got photos with Scotty T, Pete Wicks and Megan McKenna. In fact, we’ve probably got selfies with half of the ex-cast of Geordie Shore thanks to you.

Yet then we go the week after and it’s Vicky Pattison. Vicky who? Vicky Pattison from I’m a Celeb (and Geordie Shore before that) – omg yeah her, of course… We get a five second photo and then our fix is over. Back to the “dance” floor. Five minutes in you know the only way to stick this out is to shout “Shots” at your mates.

At least we got some nice photos out of our times though, we think. Until a week later when we’re tagged in a photo. A photo we can’t remember being taken. Still, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they’ve put this glossy filter on it and it’s like the profile picture of that girl at high school who suddenly discovered photo shop and from then on her nose looked like it was melting into her face in every selfie she took. You wish nostalgically for the return of the Sugar sign they had a few years back. Photos looked so much better then.

Then there’s that time our friend said they wanted to be “classy” and so booked a booth in VIP for their birthday. You weren’t allowed to dance there though, so everyone just started minesweeping drinks from empty tables. Soon after our friend felt ill and was sick all over the floor so they had to seal VIP off with yellow tape and we had to go home. That’s okay though because by this time we were starving and the burger van opposite always sells delicious beef burgers at reasonable prices. We were convinced of this until we woke up later on feeling ill and short of £5.

Celebrations!!!

One thing is for sure: we can always expect a surprise. Go up a couple of staircases and we’ll pass from top 40 bangers, to EDM anthems and 90s R&B, not to forget the mandatory indie classics like Mr Brightside, which will always ring out at some point. It seems like we aren’t the only ones unsure of what to expect: maybe this is why Sugar has a customer feedback survey (this isn’t your doctor’s surgery) which they invite us to complete no more than every 28 days. Pleasing a customer base which ranges from middle aged men, to students, to Hen parties is evidently tough stuff. Yet surely not punching your customers is a good place to start?

Whatever, like addicts we’ll be back queuing up outside by Friday for another dangerous fix. Sure, we’ll sometimes question what we’re doing when we lose our mates again in the maze of staircases and floors and wake up the next day with £50 less cash, stomach ache and a photo of ourselves that we immediately untag. But then you scroll down your news feed a bit more and there’s a photo of someone sat in a makeshift iron throne at Club Valbon for “Rave of the Thrones” and you know that – given everything – you’re doing just fine. Plus, at least Sugar isn’t so bad people try to burn it down.