Everything you’ll understand if you live in Wiltshire

Buried in the heart of the English countryside, in the absolute middle of nowhere, lies a little-known county called Wiltshire. Whilst being aesthetically lovely for the most part, a destination for tourists and middle-class second homes alike, there are some things that you can only truly understand if you live here.

Wiltshire? What Wiltshire?

Unless you live in Wiltshire, Wiltshire does not exist. You dread the “So where are you from?” question, invariably resorting to “it’s in the South West”. If you’re particularly lucky, they’ll know Salisbury or Stonehenge.

Stonehenge is your Mecca

Stonehenge is the closest thing we have to fame, and we flock with the druids for the Summer Solstice every year. Dorset has Glastonbury and London has everything, but in Wiltshire you can spend the longest day of the year at a piss up amongst some really old stones.

If you don’t drive, your life has no meaning

When the nearest town can be 15 minutes away from your tiny village, you literally can’t do anything unless you can drive. Whilst buses and trains run semi-regularly anywhere else in the country, Wiltshire is the black hole of public transport. On a Sunday you’re going nowhere.

If you do drive, you’ll invariably spend half your time stuck behind a tractor

Quiet roads through beautiful countryside have their disadvantage, namely the tractors that crawl along them. Where there’s a tractor there’s a farm – only here would you have to stop to let cows cross the road.

There is absolutely nothing magic about the Magic Roundabout

A roundabout in Swindon so complicated it has a Wikipedia page. With 6 mini roundabouts and 38 arrows, is it any surprise everyone just takes their driving test in Chippenham?You’re either really posh or from Swindon

With a class divide to rival that of the North/South, Wiltshire is both the go-to choice for enormous second homes with acres of land for ponies that you simply couldn’t get in London, and council houses. In fact, Swindon had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in 2001. Lovely, eh?

The accent

The Wiltshire accent is the pirate-farmer cross that is West Country burr. It was voted 5th sexiest accent in the UK though, so it’s not all bad.

Everyone has a Young Farmer friend

Everyone has that one friend who’s a committed member of the YFC, or at least went to one event because they heard that the Young Farmers events were really loose. We’ve all heard the stories of youths on a rampage, plastered out of their minds, and why wouldn’t you want a bit of the action?

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No-one ever has signal

Countless times have I sent the text “Facebook me there’s no signal at home”, and don’t even get me started on WiFi. Only one person can stream or download at a time, and you quickly come to terms with the fact that you will never see above 480p.

Farm shops

It seems bizarre that people genuinely buy sausages at such ridiculous prices, but they tell themselves it’s all about quality (and they probably know the farmer). Where else would you get your Wiltshire ham fix?

Yik Yak died a horrible death

The Yik Yak game in the villages is so poor that the most recent one is usually from 4 months ago, complaining that the Yik Yak game is poor. Typical conversations include teenagers amazed to find that Wiltshire has other teenagers.

Everyone knows everything about everyone

What’s that? Susan and Charles are selling their house? Well, I heard that everyone in the village hates Ethel because she didn’t make a donation to the church.

Cows

Cows are everywhere.