These are 2019’s most tragic post-Love Island sponsored Instagram posts

We're well into the nuclear winter of the Love Island lifecycle. Ex-Islanders are slowly but surely dumping the people they ended up with in favour of brand deals with ASOS, Missguided, and Boohoo. It's so efficient you wonder if they ever went on the show to find love in the first place.

Now that Amber's announced her inevitable £1 million deal it's time to run through the trash pile of ex-Islanders and the godawful stuff they're doomed to pedal for all eternity.

Some of these are so tragic you'll cringe until your eyes pop out. You have been warned:

Tommy: Hellman's Molly-Mayo

£5,940 per post

It really seemed Tommy was going down quite a sensible route of BoohooMAN ranges and lounging comfortably in Molly-Mae's shadow. Then this happened. Mayonnaise is something that just doesn't need advertising – at least not like this… not like this.

Amber: Ariana Grande's perfume

£4,620 per post

There is something distinctly non-boss about @ing Ariana in a sponsored post for her perfume, at a launch she didn't even bother to turn up to herself.

Lucie: The mysterious Peng Hair deal

£4,290 per post

The saga of Lucie's £200,000 deal with a brand which had exactly zero online presence at the time of the deal's announcement still boggles the mind. You'll notice in the photo that Lucie is pointing the spray away from her hair, because it would probably damage her expensive extensions.

Jourdan: *That* infamous plane pic

£1,525 per post

While not technically a sponsored post, this moment will go down in history as one of the most tragic Instagram ordeals an Islander has suffered through. It's a story in three acts:

Act one: Jourdan uploads an Insta next to what appears to be a first class plane seat.

Act two: People notice the seat is actually a replica made for sponsored posts for mobile network Three, and drag Jourdan for appearing to fake being a first class flyer.

Act three: Jourdan claps back telling everyone they're being mean.

Michael: Gringos Bingo

£3,300 per post

Imagine a parallel world where Michael hadn't royally fucked things with Amber and had found himself fighting off brands desperate to throw money at him. Alas he's here plugging bingo. You simply love to see it.

Callum: Car air fresheners

£1,155 per post

It doesn't matter how fancy the car, how fit the model, or how many dogs you cradle – posing with these CarFume things will always look bad. Callum is one of four (FOUR) 2019 Islanders to plug these things.

Harley: Alton Towers

£218 per post

Given how little these painfully twee couple posts paid compared to her co-stars, it's no wonder Harley binned things off with Chris.

Tom: BBC Bitesize

£406 per post

It's mad to think Tom was paid to encourage his followers to be good listeners after steadfastly ignoring Maura's attempts to warn him not to be a dickhead.

Elma: This weird scratch card app

£,1307 per post

I see nothing wrong with Elma managing to win £100 "for free" on an app she's being paid to promote. Nothing wrong at all.

Sherif: It is what it is t-shirts

£1,564 per post

Sherif getting kicked off Love Island was honestly the best thing that happened in the series. Do you know what isn't the best thing? Sherif laying claim to "it is what it is" and trying to joylessly monetise it. If you so much as consider buying one of these you need to permanently part ways with your self esteem.

Belle: Apple giveaways

£1,257 per post

The caption to this post actually looks like the sort of pop-up you get when you've been watching too much porn. This Insta only serves to prove giveaways have always been the most cynical of sponcon Instas.

Anton: Incredibly lame Tik Toks

£2,914 per post

You know what? No one actually noticed that the incredibly bad TikToks Anton was making were actually supposed to be adverts for TikTok. Watch him superimpose himself over Craig David, then superimpose himself over food.

Curtis: Being a receptionist on The Greatest Dancer

£3,300 per post

Curtis has a very annoying face doesn't he? Curtis was apparently so desperate to get his annoying face on our screens even more than it already was he took this gig alongside Cheryl from 2009, Alesha Dixon from 2009, and Mr Schue from Glee from 2009.

Greg: Bank of Ireland

£670 per post

Greg is a man unlike any Love Island winner before him. The life of tragic sponcon in itself just wasn't for him any more than life with Amber was. Just look at this low effort attempt for the Bank of Ireland. Apparently he'll be visiting unis this year but his rep won't tell me when and where we can meet so I can shoot my shot, which is UNFAIR GREG.

Chris: Pawning off his Love Island merch

Price per £495

You can't be too mean here because you can't be mean about charity full stop. But is this really all Chris could have done to secure his entry to heaven?

Amy: Starpower gummies

£3,300 per post

Look there really is no other way around this: These vitamin-winegum hybrids celebrities seem to exclusively sell over Instagram are just awful awful things. These ones Amy can be seen plugging are no different. Please please do not buy them they are actually stupid. Ew.

George: The ASOS pic that never went anywhere

£347 per post

George has done his time advertising car air fresheners and body scrub, but his visit to ASOS was his big move to make some classic Love Island bread with this incredibly earnest post. But unfortunately for George it was not to be. Blame Ovie, I guess.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• India has now denied rumours she CHEATED on Ovie: Here’s the tea

• You won’t believe how much ex-Islanders have changed since the villa

• Amber is now a millionaire after landing the biggest post Love Island deal ever