Ranking Queer Eye Antoni’s dishes from sort of terrible to very, very terrible

It should be no secret by now that Queer Eye is a big favourite in our books. It’s got a little bit for every audience, whether that’s Tan with his extensive (and I mean extensive) fashion expertise or Bobby with the interior design know-how, you get the drill. However, there’s an elephant in the room that nobody really seems to want to talk about and, oh, he’s a porker – the recipes that Antoni tries to teach people in the series are… well… shit.

I’m sorry! Don’t get me wrong, he’s just as valued a member of the cast as any of the others as a person, and he’s honestly such a good bloke, but there’s just an unavoidable sense that his half-arsed crash courses in cookery fall on deaf ears, becoming seldom-if-ever used again. Sure, change someone’s appearance, buy them new clothes and completely improve their home – those changes will last for at least several weeks, but Antoni’s expertise sticks around like a fresh pie on a windowsill. It’s like: “Here’s a five min presentation on how you make a salad. Make it once for your family and friends. Good, well that’s my part done, adios.”

And before we continue, I don’t want him off the show. I’m not saying I don’t love him on the show. I acknowledge I’ve already tarnished any chance I have of collaborating with him and eventually starting a restaurant chain together/enjoying a secret rendezvous behind our partners’ backs from these two paragraphs alone, but it’s time someone said fuck it and ranked the most abominable examples. Sorry, but here are the top seven worst dishes from Queer Eye:

7. Chicken Pesto Salad with Pickled Grapes

This is so nearly it – in fact, I’d still gobble the whole thing, but we’re just unsure of pickled grapes, Antoni.

Seriously, this seems less like culinary exploration and more like a dish that someone who owns a restaurant in SoHo and drinks cold brew coffee from a jar tries to impress people with.

Also – know your audience, Antoni! It was hardly a surprise to learn that Ryan ended up keeping to none of the lessons that he was taught when you serve a dish with PICKLED GRAPES to a not-far-from-forty frat bro. Sling him a cheese toastie recipe like you did that guy in season one and call it a day. Still, a good looking and presumably tasting dish… apart from the grapes.

6. Hotdogs with crisps on them

BRUH. A ratified, certified, somethingified CHEF, serving up frankfurters with crisps on top like he’s raiding mum’s pantry after a long day of school.

Yes, I concede that it probably tastes good, hence its place on the list. However, the offending elements are obviously:

1. He charges people at the fire station event five dollars for them. Five dollars!
2. One of the choices is to have carrots and GREEN BEANS on top which is just… nope
3. There’s something so juvenile about crisps on a hotdog

What makes it even funnier is that he serves this meal to Jeremy, a fireman who clearly has a very functional kitchen, but leaves a whole-ass pickled grape banquet for inept DJ High Def to whip up for his family in season five! If these hotdogs didn’t make the whole affair sinister enough for you already, in the same episode Antoni also whips up a face mask for Jonathan using egg whites and fresh peaches. Stop!

5. Peanuts Masala

Sounds good, right?

Hrmmm. This is nearly it, but there are a couple of things that stop this dish from being *quite literal chef’s kiss*, and it mainly originates from the fact that this is designed to be taken to a festival.

Antoni nonchalantly suggests that this be the perfect dish to take to Burning Man as a snack – ah right, he’ll just grab a few lemons and herbs that will inevitably make their grand departure from his rucksack as something more akin to a smoothie, some sharp knives for prep and a tub of peanuts? Let’s be realistic, this mf is sooner going to be eating crisps than “peanuts masala”.

Also, in this episode, he specifically warns to be careful with the cayenne, because you can add spice but you can’t remove it. However, in season four he advises salting the food every step of the way as if this doesn’t go by the same logic? Doesn’t take a professional chef to know that an amateur will end up with a horribly salty mess.

4. Green Beans

He literally… taught someone how to make green beans… without cooking them…

Who is this a worse reflection on? Remington, who doesn’t know how to cook green beans, or Antoni, who even tries to teach this as a dish. The whole “cooking” part seems to be glazed over here, as all they do is put them in a dish with a little salt and oil, and then suddenly it’s time to serve them?!

This, on top of the fact that he literally just asked Remington’s mum for her mac n cheese recipe, had people doubting if he could actually cook.

3. Avocado and Grapefruit Salad

Jesus wept. Good thing + good thing ≠ good thing, and this is clear cut evidence of this.

There are many nasty similes that could be used to describe this dish, but maybe it’s just personal.

After all, I chose to educate myself, and it turns out that grapefruit and avocado have been enjoyed as a pairing by a select amount of online chefs, but it’s just a big pass surely. Like, is there anything that makes you feel less hungry than an avocado and grapefruit salad? You can literally read the dismay on his face after taking his first bite:

This recipe really just speaks for itself.

2. Roast Cauliflower

How can he explain his way out of this one? Cauliflower is a tasty transportable snack, apparently.

Next in the trend of Antoni telling people how to cook something but not actually showing them comes his roasted cauliflower, which manifests itself in a slapdash tutorial in cauliflower cutting 101, and then a few instructions uttered in the bloke’s direction.

Essentially, the meal is cauliflower that has been roasted, with a sauce. Mum, what are we having for dinner tonight?! A BAKED CAULIFLOWER – the audacity.

1. Peach, Almond, Basil and Parmesan “Salad”

“Salad”, in the most deconstructed sense of the word.

And we have arrived. Where can one possibly start?

This looks so precariously put together and balanced, that it would be almost impossible to serve as the canopé that it is presumably intended as – from the parmesan hovering over the basil, to the chunk of almond just plonked on top, in what situation could this possibly be a good meal to serve someone?

Come on Antoni, this isn’t cooking, not least because it QUITE LITERALLY isn’t cooked beside the light char on the outside. This is a chunk of peach with a number of other ingredients that make no sense and, quite frankly, it’s upsetting to see.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Ranked: These are the most dramatic Queer Eye transformations of all time

• Queer Eye: What did the Fab Five do for work before becoming experts on the show?

• Meet the husbands, fiancés and boyfriends of the Queer Eye Fab Five