VOTE: What is the straight up dumbest thing to have ever been put on Netflix?

From 365 Days to Riverdale, we really have been taken for fools

5 years ago

Trash

Netflix is a bit shit at the moment, let’s be honest. I love it with all my heart and I’ll never leave it, God no, but it’s had better days for sure. Tiger King felt like its last death rattle before lockdown and then everything after that was just upsetting. Since then we’ve had White Lines and 365 Days, which felt like Netflix revived itself just to sit up in its coffin and slap you in the face at its funeral.

But it has produced absolute shite before this, and it will do it afterwards – because we’ll all keep watching. Sometimes you really need to mentally check out and watch an episode of Riverdale just to feel something. Netflix knows this. Netflix sees and hears everything. So from the terribly written to the downright stupid, here are the dumbest things Netflix has ever added.

Secret Obsession

This Netflix series is one of the worst things ever made. Not just on Netflix – like, ever. The plot is that a woman (not just any woman, may I add – it’s London Tipton from Zack and Cody) wakes up from a coma and has her husband look after her. Only he’s NOT her husband, he KILLED her husband because he was obsessed with her, and now he’s posing as said husband. Imagine a lot of badly photoshopped pictures around the house and a lot of dumb dialogue.

Dumbest part: He just keeps making her eggs?

You

Look, I know we love You. But we hate to love it. The show is a big ol’ mess, even if it’s enjoyable. Joe Goldberg somehow gets away with numerous murders, some of them in broad daylight (tell me how you can hit someone over the head with a rock in Central Park in the daytime and get away with it please), and hides it from his unsuspecting girlfriends. He also does a multitude things which are waaaaay outta line (other than outright murder, which is… you know… also bad) like masturbating in the bushes and stealing women’s underwear yada yada yada. Essentially, it’s very far fetched, and I refuse to believe that a neurotic bookshop owner would be that good at social media stalking. That’s just unrealistic!

Dumbest part: Shipping that big glass box from NY to LA like it’s no biggie. Just couple hundred tonnes of perspex who cares x

In The Tall Grass

This is a Netflix film about… tall grass. It’s based off a Stephen King novel but that doesn’t mean it’s good. It’s a lot of people calling each others names (because the grass is so tall) and eventually it gets really weird… there’s a time loop, there’s some people made out of grass… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Dumbest part: The big sexy rock.

Tall Girl

More on Netflix’s weird list of acquisitions that have to do with being tall, is Tall Girl. Truly the most ridiculous creation, it treats being tall as being in a minority and really longs out this girl’s deep, deep struggle with being a… tall girl. At one point there’s even a club for tall people introduced, to make the main Tall Girl feel better.

Dumbest part: The yeeting of the milk crate.

Gossip Girl

Controversial but if we’re talking dumb and unrealistic – Gossip Girl has to be up there. There’s a myriad of moments. There’s like, one ridiculously implausible moment per episode at least. May I remind you that at the end, Nate becomes the MAYOR OF NEW YORK. The MAYOR. Also when they all went to different unis (“colleges” or whatever) and then the writers were like ah nah this is lame let’s give up – and no one ever questioned why every main character just…dropped out of uni. They made so many writing mistakes and plot holes and just covered it up with a banging noughties soundtrack and over accessorised characters that wear heels to school. Also DAN IS GOSSIP GIRL?

Dumbest moment: That episode that was set in the 80s which makes me press the skip button on Netflix with more passion than when I shag any human being

Space Force

Tipped as 2020’s version of The Office, Space Force came into our lives at the exact time we needed it in lockdown… and then… was terrible. I almost feel bad for Steve Carrell having to devote his time to it only for it to flop so badly. He could have been with his family. Are his kids okay? Is his wife happy? Steve I just wanna know.

Dumbest moment: Moon camouflage uniforms.

Love Wedding Repeat

A Netflix film which was very clearly supposed to be a Richard Curtis style rom-com, only to be a Whoever Directed Cats 2019 style flop. It has an alright cast, it’s Quite British in the way that isn’t actually cool anymore (we got over Hugh Grant’s bumbling ways and untucked shirts years ago) and most importantly the time loop fucking SUCKS. Who does a time loop movie with only one loop? If I was a groundhog I’d crawl right back into my groundhog house. Wherever it is they go when they’re unhappy. Whatever. It’s a reference to Groundhog Day. Let’s move on.

Dumbest moment: Main gyal cheats on hubby then the plot twist is that she never tells him and they live happily ever after. Woo for love!

13 Reasons Why

This steaming pile of shite was both offensive and dumb, and truly the dumbest and most offensive part is that it was allowed to continue past season one. And even season one was pushing it! Hannah Baker was problematic protagonist anyway and she legit died, but they thought the show warranted another THREE seasons because everyone was so thirsty for over dramatised, harmful storylines and their soft white loverboy Clay. I’ve had enough!!!!!

Dumbest moment: Trying to redeem a serial rapist for his behaviour. No thanks, 13RW!

White Lines

via Netflix

It’s really hard to watch a TV series about a woman exploring the death of her brother when, by half way through the series, you hate BOTH HER AND HER DEAD BROTHER. Truly the most unlikeable characters ever, and an awful ending. I wanted better murderers and I didn’t get them. Only reason to stick around was Boxer.

Dumbest moment: When they made us watch Axel Collins rip out his goddamn tooth. Also the dogs doing coke. So funny haha.

365 Days

Taking the cake as the most problematic and also mindlessly unintelligent watch on this list: 365 Days. Mafia boss Massimo kidnaps Low-ra and forces her to fall in love with him – sorry, sorry, ALLOWS her to fall in love with him – in 365 Days. While he…holds her captive. Sick, nice. Not dodge at all. Then she goes into a tunnel and never comes out, that’s it, that’s the film.

Dumbest moment: Too many shopping scenes I’m not 12 anymore you can’t win me over with that.

Riverdale

This show is so bad now that saying its name out loud triggers my gag reflex. Wait let me try, Riv- yeugh, Riverd- *retches*. No I’m sorry I just can’t do it. Everything about it is painful. The acting, the writing, the IMPROMPTU MUSICAL NUMBERS. Riverdale is worse than Glee. Riverdale is the Netflix original version of the drama kids you’d hang out with in school when you couldn’t find your regular mates and oh my god why are they singing again.

Dumbest moment: Jughead’s “I’m weird, I’m a weirdo” speech. Also the fuckin’ slow striptease to Mad World. Who writes this shit.