29 ways to say you went to a British school, without saying you went to a British school

British schools. Nothing like them. Yes, the likes of Waterloo Road and Ackley Bridge can try to recreate them, but if you weren’t there you simply won’t know.

From the playground to the assembly hall, from year one to year 11, it was simply a unique experience. TikTokers can build a whole brand out of impersonating teachers – we all get the jokes, because we all had the same experience, wherever we went to school.

Anyway, here are 29 very specific things that will conjure scenes in your head you can smell, hear, and feel the temperature of. More than memories unlocking – these are just 29 ways to say you went to a British school, without saying you went to a British school.

1. The kids with Lunchables were the kings of the packed lunches

Or fruit winders. You know a kid had the Disney Channel at home if they whacked one of those out.

2. Anyone having tuna or egg sandwiches was bullied for the day

Kinda asked for it having such a smelly packed lunch, you know.

3. You will know, for the rest of your days, that cauliflowers are fluffy and cabbages are green

But cauliflowers also have green leaves and some cabbages are fluffy? We were lied to.

4. Autumn Days absolutely slapped

Especially the bit where everyone sings “AND THE TASTE. OF. AP-PLE. PIE”.

5. You’d always laugh at ‘I was cold, I was naked’

It had to be done, really. But the teachers would patrol the school hall giving a death glare to anyone who even slightly sniggered.

6. You lived in continual fear of football being ‘banned’

How can they take away the one thing that is precious to us?

7. Like how Bulldog was banned

Bastards.

8. Kiss chase being your first experience of a relationship

Actually not too dissimilar of how you are in the SU on sports night, just without the VKs.

9. The person who could bend a free kick in with a dog-eared foam ball was basically David Beckham

Why were the only footballs ones which zigzagged in the air if you gave them anything more than a light tap?

10. Your first, and most vital, introduction to the world of computers was making the wildest Word Art possible

I can’t believe this particular skill has not withstood the test of time.

11. Finally being allowed to use a pen to write was the real coming-of-age moment

Unless you were left handed and it just smudged everywhere.

12. Biff, Chip, and Kipper were the real OGs

You could really read when they let you loose on these books.

13. The sight of a small whiteboard, a barely-working pen, and lots of smudge marks was a sight more exciting than a million firework displays

Can’t wait to write something rude on this and get shouted at x

14. The following stationery:

Red scissors
Those 30cm clear rulers
Berrol ‘handwriting’ pen
Drawer upon DRAWER of A4 paper

15. Every girl had the plastic-encased set of multi-coloured STAEDTLER pens

And those who didn’t were simply bottom of the pile.

16. Getting sent to take books to another classroom was an adventure on a par with a three-month journey into the heart of the Andean mountains

Maybe I’ll go to the toilet? Maybe I’ll have a sit down? Maybe – god forbid – I’ll bump into one of my friends?

17. The highlight of the week was the bundle, pure and simple

As long as you didn’t end at the bottom of the pile.

18. Year 10 vs Year 11 football matches

Why they don’t put these on Sky and get Carra and G-Nev doing analysis, I will never know.

19. When you got past a certain point, PE just became big football matches

Where the PE teacher would shout encouragement at his favourites.

20. For some reason, at the start of year 7, it was decided that you would be made to learn French or German

And then tried vainly to strike up a friendship with your aloof exchange student.

21. There was always that one kid who went full Alan Sugar and sold sweets and drinks from their locker

Until the school authorities clamped down on them. There’ll be no unlicensed panda pop in these corridors, laddie.

22. Even if fights were promised and hyped up as much as AJ vs Fury, they’d never happen

Frankly, they always disappointed if they did end up happening.

23. Nothing was more fun than trying to rumour a romance between two teachers into existence

“Miss, Miss, do you fancy Sir? hahahahahahahahaha”

24. Making your own GCSE drama play – usually about drugs – was as dramatic as it came

I’m 15, I’ve seen Skins, I know what a tableau is, and I’m not afraid to tackle tough issues

25. The teachers pretended to not know who smoked and where everyone did it

Until the final day of year 11 when they’d say ‘that’s where all the naughty kids smoked when I came here too’

26. The teachers who actually went to the school they taught at were always a bit weird

Now you can finally be popular AND know all the gossip! Isn’t that great.

27. Burning Wotsits on the bunsen burners was the height of excitement

I think it’s to do with them having loads of calories but to be honest, call me Rihanna because I just like to stand there and watch them burn

28. ‘Are we week A or B?’

You would, and I cannot stress this enough, absolutely never get it right and then would spend the whole day regretting bringing the wrong books in.

29. Yes, we never had the sorting hat, but there was something else to divide people: the choice between GCSE history and geography

Please close this article if you chose RE over either of these.

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• 29 primary school rules that we never realised were dumb af when we were kids